Just because you are one, doesn't mean you can touch mine.

Are You A Hypnotist Douchebag?
Boob Boys


Consider this my fair warning to the general public of strange men in crowds: The next time you do NOT move aside, in hopes of touching my breasts with your elbow/chest/whatever? I am either going to punch you in the face, step really really hard on your foot, or at the very least (and most likely) spill my drink on your crotch.

I'm not kidding.

Ladies! Y'all know what I'm talking about, right? Isn't it time for the madness to end?

Seriously, this is a phenomenon that has been irritating me for years. You are in a crowded place, and like, nobody wins in a crowded place, but everyone is in it together, so you DEAL. Gracefully. Or at least as gracefully as one can manage whilst trying to make her way through a group of people irritated that she has to use the facilities or get a drink. But it happens.

And I try to be lovely you know, though a certain amount of aggression is required. I am not one of those annoying girls who saunters unnecessarily through a crowd with an apple martini (obvi), expecting the masses to part like I'm some kind of hot Moses (which, might I add, would not surprise me at all if it popped up as Leg Avenue® 2008's Newest Arrival). I don't do that. I bend and twist and "Sawry sawry" my way to a destination, then stay as put as possible.

But if Bend/Twist/Sawry Sawry is a videogame (which it obviously should be), then Boob Boys are my Lakitu. My logs-oh-no-they're-alligators! My Clyde.

And yes, I may be old, but a) no one knows that and b) I know what I'm getting into when I go to the Inn on Irish Day! Well, actually I pictured it much, MUCH worse, but Javier subjected me to only the daytime, and it was awesome!

But, you know, crowded. Which I expected, and I came prepared to play Bend/Twist/Sawry Sawry. However, it had been awhile. I've done my share of clubbing over the years, but mainly I like good old fashioned Irish bars where you make your own fun and Meat and Chickenheads need not apply. That's my comfort zone.

However, I was having a great time on this crowded day at the Inn, and was therefore completely caught off guard when I encountered Boob Boy and it was like, OH NO THERE GO MY RINGS SCATTERING EVERYWHERE! Totally forgot about him.

Boob Boys are the some of the worst kind of overall douchebag offenders, because not only are they dumb themselves (Strike One), but they assume that you are dumb yourself (Strike One Billion).

You may have read this far and still not know what I am talking about, so I will explain it to you: Boob Boys are those guys who refuse to play Bend/Twist/Sawry Sawry, but in a really aggressive manner. If a Boob Boy sees a girl who needs to get past him, not only will he not move out of her way, but he will totally position himself so that she has no choice but to press her chest against him to get by.

Have you done this? Here is why you shouldn't:

1) It's offensive.

2) It's a complete violation.

3) Did you get the part about how it makes you look really really stupid? Because it does.

4) It also makes you look REALLY pathetic and desperate.

5) It's downright rude to the girl's SO, if she's with one.

6) Please see above, re: the punching/stepping/drink on the crotch thing. Because I'm serious. Next time, that is what's happening.

I encourage all you ladies out there to do the same! Okay, maybe not the punching part, because that is another topic for another day. But seriously, Take Back The Night! Don't let dumb guys in bars act like perverts on the subway! At least, make them buy you a drink first!

Kidding on the last part, but seriously, let's take down the Boob Boys. It might seem like a daunting process, but we can do it, one backwards baseball cap at a time!




©2007