The Hills Are DeadWith The Sound Of Choking Despair

AKA, 32 things that made me angry while watching my first episode of "The Hills!" And other life rants. Warning: CAPS and cursing! Couldn't be helped!


1. When did LC become Lauren? No. I have a rule, and if LC does not know the rule, it is not my problem, and that rule is that if you become famous using one name, you are not allowed to just change it. I'm looking at you, Puff Daddy, Jennifer Lopez, and of course, the trinity 90210 nameholders, Brian Austin Green and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen.

2. "Heidi."

3. "Whitney."

4. "Lacey."

5. Dude apparently named "Spencer"'s ridiculous hair, for which I will now dub him Frosty. Props in a way for actually seeming to care about annoying Heidi, but negative props for coming across like the hyper restaurant dude in "Office Space," without all the good times.

6. Jason. WTF.

7. That when Frosty goes to kiss Heidi, she's all, "LIP GLOSS," like maybe you should just be glad someone wants to kiss your narcissistic ass, HEIDI, and just in general I hate girls who are all "Oh no I am so precious pamper me and adore me and spend shitloads of money but do not DARE to touch me, BOYFRIEND."

8. Okay, so this is another Pet Peeve Of My Life. I will tie it into a PSA, because if I can help save one life...LADIES. I don't know when we were taught that if we open our eyes really really wide, we will convey both intelligence and real honest-to-gosh interest in what another party is saying. Because truth be told, all it does? Is make us look stupid and beyond fake. I notice this trend a lot among actresses in particular, which I am allowed to say because I was one of them. Actresses, I mean, not Wide-Eyed Nodders --Me. Really all it does when a woman opens her eyes as though she is trying to look like Bambi having deep thoughts (meanwhile I'm semi-surprised there is no actual Bambi on the show), is make her seem like even when she is "listening" to someone else, all she can think about is how pretty/deep she looks.

That said, every single chick on this show does that, and it made me throw seven shoes at my television.

9. I try really hard not to go down the "I worked my ass off in school for a 4.0 and all I got was this lousy 10 percent tip" road, but when I see chicks like freaking Heidi -- HEIDI -- getting not only lots of money but also underlings just so MTV can pretend like they created their very own D&D Advertising which they so did NOT, as IF Heidi could ever be Amanda or even freaking Al(l?)ison? Well, it chaps my ass a little bit.

*** [Break Of Positivity] Those were some GORGEOUS flowers on the table in...well honestly, I have no idea what was going on. Some boring "work" plot. But they were yellow in these yellow vases, and I want them. [/Break Over] ***

10. Whitney (I think; you know how blondes all look alike) wearing this "shirt" that...no. It was Big Bird yellow and looked like a billowy plastic bag, and just WHY? I thought we had discussed that look, and agreed that what happens in 2005 stays in 2005. Don't break the code, Whitney(?).

11. LC is seriously so annoying. "Guess who I went to lunch with?" Meaning Jason. And all right, DISCLAIMER. I have dated some shitty guys. And I am not saying this to have y'all be "Oh no you are so much better than that why why you are such a delicate flower OMG" but rather to say that I can and do understand about Jason; however, it is such a manipulative maneuver. Either just be all, "Hey, I had lunch with Jason and would like to talk about it," or just shut up about it. Don't bait your friends with your bad decisions and treat your self-abuse issue like a game of "I Spy."

12. LC: "He's like a different person and that's good."

FUCK YOU, MTV! Seriously, I mean I know my brain + menstrual flow makes me An Undesirable to MTV, but I am just beside myself. They are SO FREAKING IRRESPONSIBLE. And this is not the first time they've done this.

13. Diet pill ads. Enough said.

14. Herbal Essences dress, much like the banana trash bag of earlier. Moral of the story: If you aren't pregnant, don't be lured in! If you are, you'll look great! If not, then...not so much! BUT STOP THE MADNESS!!!

15. Ladies. Please...PLEASE don't call a personal psychic. If you find yourself uttering unironically, "Is my boyfriend cheating on me! Is it time to break up!" Then the answer, at least to the second one, and probably the first? Is yes. Spend the 70 dollars a minute and go buy a book or something.

16. LC...grrrr. There was a line on "Sex and the City" once, and yes, "Sex and the City" was filled with a lot of tripe and bullshit, but also sometimes good stuff (MIRANDA FOR LIFE!), and there was one time where I think Samantha said basically that if you find yourself not smiling that much with or about someone, then they are probably not good for you. Every single time Jason comes up, or calls her, LC gets all annoying and quiet as though she is somehow being VICTIMIZED, which she so is not, and it is thoroughly maddening.

17. When they get to Ketchup, Jason goes, "This place is sick!" Shut up, Jason.

18. LC seriously annoys me so much. She is everything that annoys me about girls, actually, stereotypically speaking. Manipulating situations so that she can still play the victim when things go wrong, acting all "Who me?" about things, yada. Case in point: Her smooooth way of commenting on the red lights and saying how she wants red lights for her bedroom. And she's all trying to be innocent and adorable, like the reason she's bringing it up isn't to make him think about fucking her, 'cause red lights are cool and make everyone look hot. Just SAY it or don't, dammit!

19. LC gives Jason shit for checking out another girl which is VERY ANNOYING because they are not together.

20. That said, Jason is a total douche. Guys? I've been giving the ladies a lot of crap tonight, and now Ima turn on you. Seriously? Don't be That Guy. Just don't. It's not necessary, it just really isn't. You have a girl in front of you who's made an effort to look nice for YOU. That random girl doesn't give two shits about you, and either way it really has no effect on your masculinity, like it's not as though the more you crane your necks to rudely check out other chicks, the more your penis is going to grow. So just like, cut it out.

21. I don't expect much from MTV. Well that's not true. I expect them to make me consistently angry and appalled and fearful for the next generation. But what I mean to say is that it's not like their audience is a bunch of brain trusts, to put it shall we say mildly. Still. I would really appreciate it, MTV, if you did not try to make me believe that Heidi and LC just *happen* to go to Ketchup together and just *happen* to sit next to each other. Good grief.

22. "Ketchup." Shut up, LA. Wait, IS it LA? You know what, I don't care. It sucks enough that it might as well be if it isn't.

23. Frosty, again wearing a suit with no tie. Once, MAYbe. All the time? No.

24. The BALLAD to signify the deepness of LC and Jason's relationship. "Between the lines! Between the lines!" Between what lines? These monosyllabic morons could barely read the lines themselves, never mind between them. Also, way to be like 20 years behind Debbie Gibson with your material, "Featured Artist."

25. And have I mentioned how irresponsible MTV is, airing this like a love story? Because it really, really is.

26. Okay. Are you sitting down? 'Cause this...wow. Now I was actually on LC's side with the whole Shirley Temple thing, 'cause Heidi sucks even more than she does, but her reason for not accepting it? "Homeboy would POISON my drink. Are you serious?"

Just take a moment.

Homeboy. Frosty. Poison. Brain. Melting.

27. Seriously, LC spends like every second she's on screen trying to look precious and it is SO SO annoying. And sad.

*** [Break Of Positivity] The bitter chick who works with Heidi is AWESOME. Heidi's all crying about the people who hate her, and BUC you expect to be like, "Ohhhh you poor blonde thing," but meanwhile she's all, "Yeah well you know, a lot of people hate you and maybe there's a reason."

Word, BUC. Word.[/Break Over] ***






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