Show Me That Smile Again? HEARD!

EXTRA! EXTRA! So I feel that it is my civic duty to report that although I was in a television...I don't know, something sci-fi where you can't escape...last week at 1:30am, everything that was TERRible is now INCREDible, because "GROWING PAINS" is now on instead!

YAY!!!!!!!

I am pretty sure that this is the pilot, because they outright put "You're a liberal humanist, (Alan Thicke)" in the dialogue, so. Even for the '80s, you could really only pull that shit in the pilot.

So anyway, I was going to recap the episode, but am quickly realizing that there is very little to note, except that ha ha ha, Alan Thicke has one of the most visible egos I've ever seen come jumping out me from the screen. Not that he isn't awesome, of course. I consider him the poor man's Hasselhoff. And we all know how I feel about poor men. And also, Joanna Kerns definitely kicked ass, and was an excellent Vice President of the Generically Sweet Yet Hot and Tough Blonde Matriarchs that appeared in every single television show and movie from the '80s ever made. Witness: (President) Meredith Baxter(-Birney), the mom from "Just the 10 of Us," every John Candy wife ever, or truth be told, maybe I'm only thinking of "The Great Outdoors," because if Candy's entire collection of work disappeared tomorrow, yet "The Great Outdoors" remained, he would still be a hero for us all.

Wait. WHAT? Oh yes, so "Growing Pains." Ben is reminding me of some other doll from the '80s. Not a Koosa, like Nick Lache, which I am too tired to link to right now. But something else, and it's really bothering me, much like the Koosa Mystery of Yesteryear. And Carol has no face, it is all being sucked in by her big huge glasses, and it is truly awesome. She looks like Little Miss Sunshine crossed with Willow Rosenberg crossed with Sally Field in "Steel Magnolias."

And I had to rush into my bedroom to witness the arrival of Mike, because the thing you must understand is that Kirk Cameron was my True Great TV Love of my most important girl years, which of course, were 11-13. Michael J. Fox was my First TV Love, but Kirk Cameron a) was playing a highschool student, not a college man, b) goofier, c) something like 18 in real life, not 37 like MJ, and most importantly, d) had crazy curly hair. Humanizing!

So yes, also while Alex P. Keaton was an amazing wiseass, Mike Seaver was like that guy in high school who got detention a lot and made you think the most ridiculous conversations were fascinating, because you really wanted to believe that he could never be as dumb as he seemed, because he was so funny! Sometimes he was, sometimes he wasn't. Mike Seaver definitely wasn't. Plus, he sealed my heart forever, even after the crush had waned, by comforting Carol after she and Bobby broke up, just hugging her and saying, "It's okay, Carol. It's okay." It's so sweet!

And it must be noted that although nothing could touch my New Kids on the Block Big Wall of Dedication that was TRULY amazing to behold, Kirk Cameron definitely took up the most space of a non-musician.

Eerie foreshadowing, now that I think about it.

So I needed to go see Kirk Cameron make his first entrance in the show where I got to meet him, and it was very Elizabeth Perkins at the end of "Big." He's so young! How could that be! Somehow, I got old. But it's still all good, because not only will Kirk Cameron always be older than me IRL, but he has lent public awareness to my theory that Christian men have a secret "Harry Potter"esque store somewhere where they all buy their clothes. Oh and most importantly, the hotness of brown bomber jackets truly lies in the jacket itself. That's a powerful jacket right there. Say what you want about '80s fashion -- and most of it will be true -- but '80s jackets kicked all future decades thus far's ASSES! And brown bomber jackets are my personal all-time favorite.

So yeah, I don't luv Mike Seaver anymore, but I am pretty proud of myself, in a way. My real-life romantic pursuits of yore left a lot to be desired, but I think I had pretty decent taste in celebrity boyfriends. I mean, even Donnie Wahlberg was my favorite New Kid, not just because he was the "bad boy," and not even just because he hated eggs -- me too -- but because his favorite color was orange! How avant garde, and sensitive! So maybe my subconscious was always at least fighting for quality, in its way.

But back to "Growing Pains" itself. The next episode is beginning, and first of all, WTF, Nick at Nite! Are you trying to have your voiceover dude be mad creepy! Also, does anyone else realize that with the exception of "Fresh Prince," there is no post-'80s remarkable television show beginning to sing as an icebreaker! Or am I missing something. And don't get me started on the horror that was late-"Raymond" "Jungle Love" credits. Bring back the awesome theme song!

And FINALLY, I think this is the famous episode where Brad Pitt plays the evil musician! Excellent! I'm gonna go watch it now, although I just went in there (I type in my living room, and watch TV in the bedroom, you see) and Kirk Cameron was at school in a Debbie-Gibson-meets-English-Bobby (Bobbie?)-hat and a puffy gray denim jacket. Nick at Nite is one of the most retroactively sobering inventions EVER.