Sometimes, my brain does arts and crafts.

I was re-reading one of my blogs where I talk about how seatbelts saved my life. And seriously, reflecting on as much trouble as I have with asserting myself in like, every way, I have ZERO qualms about making people wear their seatbelts. And I truly thank my parents for nagging me about my seatbelt all those years, because otherwise I honestly do not believe I'd be here today.

So of course that sent my mind on a tangent (I know!), and I decided to compile more parenting advice! Since I have no experience of my own! But still, I kind of like my list!




My Top 13 Unsolicited Parenting Tips



1. Teach your kids to always say "Please" and "Thank you."

2. Drill it into them so that it becomes second nature for them to wear their seatbelts every single time they get into a car.

3. Make sure they know that no matter what, you love them with true agape love. And also hug them a lot.

4. Tell them that if something is ever worrying them, to not let it keep them up at night. That they can, no matter how late, come wake up Mom or Dad and you'll talk about it, and everything will be okay.

5. Tradeoff: The kid does the healthy thing and eats his/her vegetables and all that jazz, and you'll totally take him/her out for a junk food day once a month. Preferably in a place with a ball pit.

6. Don't let them watch "bad" movies. Yes, they're gonna watch them anyway behind your back. But it's your job to raise them with some semblance of right and wrong. Unless you're planning to discuss philosophy and ethics with them after the movie, just tell them no.

7. Because basically, one of the most important things is that it's a parent's job to make sure that their kid gets to be a kid. You. Parent. Them. Kid. Sometimes that means looking old and farty.

8. On that note...don't like, drink and smoke pot with your underaged child. What you have to understand is that it's so awkward, all around.

9. Be generous. That's a real live person you got there, and it's an amazing gift. I can barely afford my cats, let alone another human being, so I don't mean this to be insensitive to budgets, I just mean, let them know you have their back. Spring for the Lunchables® now and then. (But not too often, because they are TERRIBLE for you.)

10. If you spoil because you can, more power to you. Just make sure that the kids know that it's about giving. Teach them to be giving, too.

11. Be happy with yourself. Don't criticize your body in front of them, or obsess over your appearance or weight. Send the message that true beauty comes from within. And don't let your kids go on diets. Teach them how to be healthy.

12. Share your interests with them, but get into their interests. Your kid likes video games? Play them with him! Plants? Pick them...or read up on them or something! This shows them that they have the ability to be interesting people in their own right. Which MEANS, fewer unhealthy future sexual relationships! YAY!

13. Let them know that you're always proud of them, because of who they are, and not because of what they do. Acknowledge their accomplishments, but make sure they know it's THEM that you love.




©2007

Show Me That Smile Again? HEARD!

EXTRA! EXTRA! So I feel that it is my civic duty to report that although I was in a television...I don't know, something sci-fi where you can't escape...last week at 1:30am, everything that was TERRible is now INCREDible, because "GROWING PAINS" is now on instead!

YAY!!!!!!!

I am pretty sure that this is the pilot, because they outright put "You're a liberal humanist, (Alan Thicke)" in the dialogue, so. Even for the '80s, you could really only pull that shit in the pilot.

So anyway, I was going to recap the episode, but am quickly realizing that there is very little to note, except that ha ha ha, Alan Thicke has one of the most visible egos I've ever seen come jumping out me from the screen. Not that he isn't awesome, of course. I consider him the poor man's Hasselhoff. And we all know how I feel about poor men. And also, Joanna Kerns definitely kicked ass, and was an excellent Vice President of the Generically Sweet Yet Hot and Tough Blonde Matriarchs that appeared in every single television show and movie from the '80s ever made. Witness: (President) Meredith Baxter(-Birney), the mom from "Just the 10 of Us," every John Candy wife ever, or truth be told, maybe I'm only thinking of "The Great Outdoors," because if Candy's entire collection of work disappeared tomorrow, yet "The Great Outdoors" remained, he would still be a hero for us all.

Wait. WHAT? Oh yes, so "Growing Pains." Ben is reminding me of some other doll from the '80s. Not a Koosa, like Nick Lache, which I am too tired to link to right now. But something else, and it's really bothering me, much like the Koosa Mystery of Yesteryear. And Carol has no face, it is all being sucked in by her big huge glasses, and it is truly awesome. She looks like Little Miss Sunshine crossed with Willow Rosenberg crossed with Sally Field in "Steel Magnolias."

And I had to rush into my bedroom to witness the arrival of Mike, because the thing you must understand is that Kirk Cameron was my True Great TV Love of my most important girl years, which of course, were 11-13. Michael J. Fox was my First TV Love, but Kirk Cameron a) was playing a highschool student, not a college man, b) goofier, c) something like 18 in real life, not 37 like MJ, and most importantly, d) had crazy curly hair. Humanizing!

So yes, also while Alex P. Keaton was an amazing wiseass, Mike Seaver was like that guy in high school who got detention a lot and made you think the most ridiculous conversations were fascinating, because you really wanted to believe that he could never be as dumb as he seemed, because he was so funny! Sometimes he was, sometimes he wasn't. Mike Seaver definitely wasn't. Plus, he sealed my heart forever, even after the crush had waned, by comforting Carol after she and Bobby broke up, just hugging her and saying, "It's okay, Carol. It's okay." It's so sweet!

And it must be noted that although nothing could touch my New Kids on the Block Big Wall of Dedication that was TRULY amazing to behold, Kirk Cameron definitely took up the most space of a non-musician.

Eerie foreshadowing, now that I think about it.

So I needed to go see Kirk Cameron make his first entrance in the show where I got to meet him, and it was very Elizabeth Perkins at the end of "Big." He's so young! How could that be! Somehow, I got old. But it's still all good, because not only will Kirk Cameron always be older than me IRL, but he has lent public awareness to my theory that Christian men have a secret "Harry Potter"esque store somewhere where they all buy their clothes. Oh and most importantly, the hotness of brown bomber jackets truly lies in the jacket itself. That's a powerful jacket right there. Say what you want about '80s fashion -- and most of it will be true -- but '80s jackets kicked all future decades thus far's ASSES! And brown bomber jackets are my personal all-time favorite.

So yeah, I don't luv Mike Seaver anymore, but I am pretty proud of myself, in a way. My real-life romantic pursuits of yore left a lot to be desired, but I think I had pretty decent taste in celebrity boyfriends. I mean, even Donnie Wahlberg was my favorite New Kid, not just because he was the "bad boy," and not even just because he hated eggs -- me too -- but because his favorite color was orange! How avant garde, and sensitive! So maybe my subconscious was always at least fighting for quality, in its way.

But back to "Growing Pains" itself. The next episode is beginning, and first of all, WTF, Nick at Nite! Are you trying to have your voiceover dude be mad creepy! Also, does anyone else realize that with the exception of "Fresh Prince," there is no post-'80s remarkable television show beginning to sing as an icebreaker! Or am I missing something. And don't get me started on the horror that was late-"Raymond" "Jungle Love" credits. Bring back the awesome theme song!

And FINALLY, I think this is the famous episode where Brad Pitt plays the evil musician! Excellent! I'm gonna go watch it now, although I just went in there (I type in my living room, and watch TV in the bedroom, you see) and Kirk Cameron was at school in a Debbie-Gibson-meets-English-Bobby (Bobbie?)-hat and a puffy gray denim jacket. Nick at Nite is one of the most retroactively sobering inventions EVER.

Tearjerking "Buffy" Moments

So I figure, why go to bed, when I can instead share with you...



My Top 10 Favorite Tearjerking "Buffy" Moments

And mind you, we're talking seven seasons of my all-time favorite show. Crazy! Anyway.

10. Willow Tells Buffy She's Staying in Sunnydale After Graduation ~ "Choices"
This is a very unsung episode, in my opinion. Probably because the third season, more than any other I think, pulls off the remarkable feat of having both the most compelling Big Bad(s) ever AND the most excellent standalone eps. It was the "Jagged Little Pill" of the "Buffy" seasons!

"Choices" is one of those bridge episodes that do a lot to advance the plot, while being less plot-, and more character-driven. And this scene says so much about Willow's character, and about just how much these two have really become like sisters, their love is so great.

Choice Dialogue:

Willow: Actually, this isn't about you. Although I'm fond, don't get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith. Things just, kind of, got clear. I mean, you've been fighting evil here for three years, and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in.

Buffy: I kind of love you.

Willow: And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad ass Wiccan, and what better place to learn?

Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.

Willow: Mochas?

Buffy: Yes, please. It's weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you're seeing, and then you find out it's something else entirely.

Willow: Neat, huh?

Buffy: Sometimes it is.


9. Everybody's Sad Montage ~ "Tabula Rasa"
Okay, so this is a Season Six montage done to a LIVE Michelle Branch song, and yet somehow it's really beautiful. Tara's all leaving Willow 'cause Willow tried to erase Tara's memory, and Giles is LEAVING which is exactly why they should have ended the show right then and there, and then Dawn watches Tara leave and it's really sad because Tara was definitely now that I think about it, very much like Joyce. And then Buffy and Spike KISS and it is of course hot, but also desperately sad.

Choice Dialogue

"And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time." (Michelle Branch)


8. Willow and Oz Get Back Together! ~ "Amends"
Everybody knows that I adore Willow and Oz the mostest of all, they are just so freaking adorable and lovely and sweet. And the scene where they get back together is just incredible. Willow had cheated on Oz with Xander, and when Oz discovered them, he of course did not want to talk to Willow. But when he finally does, it is SO, so sweet.

Choice Dialogue

Oz: This is what I do know: I miss you. Like, every second. Almost like I lost an arm, or worse, a torso. So, I think I'd be willing to... give it a shot.

Willow: Really?

Oz: Yeah.

Willow: Do you want us to... to hug now?

Oz: Yeah, I'm good for that.


7. Buffy's Heart Falls Apart Right In Front Of Us ~ "Amends"
No, I have no intentions of making this list balanced. It's about honestly my favorite heartwrenching moments, and have I mentioned that Season Three was goooood? So, yes. Angel is all set to kill himself by staying on a mountaintop while the sun rises, and Buffy is like, in physical pain trying so hard to get him to get inside, because he really doesn't have time to spare. Sarah Michelle Gellar really does some incredible work here. Sometimes she can chew the scenery a little, but this is where it really works for the character, because she looks utterly frantic, trying to save the love of her life, who she'd already had to watch die once.

Choice Dialogue

Angel: Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone!

Buffy: What about me? I love you so much... And I tried to make you go away...I killed you and it didn't help. (crying) And I hate it! I hate that it's *so* hard... and that you can hurt me *so* much. (sobs, then harshly) I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you
dead. I don't. (whispers) I can't.

Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once... let me be strong.

Buffy: Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together.

6. Giles Is The Best Father To Buffy Ever ~ "Amends." No, I'm totally kidding, it's "Innocence."
While Season Three was the best season ever, the Buffy/Angel/Angelus love triangle of Season Two was some of the most brilliant, gutwrenching, EXCITING television ever made. In this episode, we all learn that Angel lost his soul again due to having sex with Buffy. And that's like, really tough for Buffy, and adding to that is that it's pretty sucky, having your father figure find out you had sex with a vampire. So but anyway, in this scene, Buffy and Giles finally have a sad, quiet moment together, and it is beautiful.

Choice Dialogue

Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.

Giles: No. No, no, I'm not.

Buffy: But this is all my fault.

Giles: No. I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. A-and I can. I know that you loved him. And...he...has proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months a-are gonna, are gonna be hard...I, I suspect on all of us, but...if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is, is my support. And my respect.


5. The Last "Buffy" Scene Ever ~ "Chosen"
This scene, just because when I first saw it, I was sobbing my EYES out, because, like, this was the last "Buffy" EVER. It was the first show that despite loving it less, I cared about through the end, and you know, it lasted seven years. Most of my twenties. That's a lot of life to have a show to pal around with you in.

Choice Dialogue

Xander: All those shops gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys "R" Us. Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world about them?


4. Buffy Punches Giles ~ "Passion"
PASSION. Hee! Inside joke. But seriously though. Angelus has just killed Jenny, and Giles goes after him himself, into the den of three super-strong and smart vampires. Dangerous! So Buffy goes after him, and ends up having to save him from a fire -- hard to explain. When outside, they really get to lean on each other, literally and figuratively, as they both fully face their grief for the first time.

Choice Dialogue

Giles: Why did you come here?! This wasn't your fight!

(Buffy punches him in the jaw, and he spins and falls to the pavement.)

Buffy: Are you trying to get yourself killed?!

(She begins to cry and crouches down to hug him. He cries and hugs her
back.)

Buffy: You can't leave me. I can't do this alone.


3. Buffy Learns That She's Going To Die ~ "Prophecy Girl"
Season One was on the weaker side, compared to what the show became at one point. But it still had some great moments, and one of them is in the season finale. Buffy overhears Angel and Giles discussing a prophecy that she is going to die that night, when she faces the Master. Buffy is in shock, and gives an impassioned speech where she throws books and really displays some serious terror and helplessness, knowing that even though she says she's quitting as Slayer, in the end, she will do the right thing. Which means dying. It's like O'Henry meets Poe!

Choice Dialogue

Buffy: Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die.


2. Buffy Finds Her Mother ~ "The Body"
I really can't even write much about this, but I couldn't leave it off the list, because I'm not sure any scene's ever affected me more. Buffy comes home to find her mother lying on the couch, dead from an aneurysm from complications of her brain surgery earlier in the season. And it's just, I really can't even write about it. It's just one of the hardest scenes to watch, ever. And more incredible work from Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Choice Dialogue

Too morbid, even for me.


1. Buffy Sends Angel to Hell ~ "Becoming, Part Two"
In order to close the vortex that is literally unleashing hell on earth, Buffy must kill Angel. What makes the scene one of those true JAW-dropping scenes when you first see it, and ultimately so sob-worthy, is that while Buffy and Angel are fighting, Willow is performing what seems to be an impossible and dangerous spell, in order to restore Angel's soul. And the WHOA factor comes when the spell WORKS...but not before Angelus opened the hell portal thingy. And so NOW Buffy not only has to kill Angelus, but she has to kill Angel, the man whom she loved and hadn't seen since the night that she slept with him. She kisses him goodbye, and then kills him. And then this incredible montage set to Sarah Mclachlan's "Full of Grace" plays, but I already wrote about that in another blog!

Choice Dialogue

Buffy: Close your eyes.






©2007

Life Lessons of the Day

- When, before you even open your eyes in the morning, your first thought is "I can't wait to go back to bed tonight," that is alarming.

- There is nothing like reading The New York Post to make you feel like the world is a very stupid place.

- That being said, you will realize that you've read more of the Post than any other newspaper in recent history.

- The New York Times crossword puzzle is written in secret, maddening code.

- You will be able to name your metal band just by reading newspaper headlines. For example: "Cobra Venom Dope Probe." Excellent.

- You get better tips when you don't show up for work unshowered and sporting remarkably stupid hair.

- Or so you remember.

- Boulder Creek puts crack in the crabcakes.

- You will never know true frustration until you try to explain to someone why the soup is actually the regular, printed price, and not the two-dollar one that she made up in her head.

- Hot coffee cascading down over your hand sounds romantic in theory, but is actually quite painful.

- No bra is thick enough to prevent Jennifer Aniston's Disease on a freezing day such as this.

- "All I Need" by Jack Wagner is a song to make you smile if ever there was one.

- It's very funny and cool when your cat pees in the toilet, but also kind of creepy, because you no longer feel alone in your apartment.

- Your first thought of the day may be, "I can't wait to go back to bed tonight," but that does not mean that you are powerful enough to resist a "Six Feet Under" marathon on Bravo.




©2007