Long Island

"To My Fellow Long Islanders"


The Deluxe Edition, Now With Commentary!

You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you almost never go there.

Yeah, well, I used to go there every single day for work, and that really sucked a lot, so I needed some time to detox. Now I have no money, but when I go, I completely appreciate it.


When you're away from Long Island, you love it and when you're there, you don't.

No. No. I am not one of those annoying people who bitch nonstop about Long Island. It's like, seriously, if you hate it so much, just leave.


You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, you're not really from New York.

That's because you're not. My rule is that in order to be real New York, you need to have fantastic pizza, bagels, coffee, and Chinese food, and bars that dont close at one, Oneonta.


You know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on intuition.

Ha ha, yes, I am renowned for my intuition when it comes to directions. But actually, I kind of can.


You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City."

Greatest city in the world, it is!


You never realize you have an accent till you leave.

Actually, I realize it while I'm here, because I have a weird mix of accents that I attribute to a) my mother thinking she is Southern because her father is from Kentucky, b) years of plays and "Acting with an Accent" tapes, c) the inordinate amount of hours I spend in Irish bars, and d) Fun With Accents Time with Greg at ShopRite.


At some point in your life you've gone clamming.

No, but I never felt the need due to my bizarre obsession with this book I read when I was younger, where for some reason these three sisters live alone in like, Maine or something, and run out of food and have to eat snails that they find under rocks.


Either your parents or your grandparents lived in the city.

True story.


You'd pay $8.50 for a movie.

Only $8.50? Nice!


You don't live in Long Island. You live ON Long Island.

I don't understand this one. Who would say "in?"


You know where the Commack Motor Inn is.

I also know that they provide hookers and porno at the front desk. (My husband in Taming of the Shrew worked there.)


Your distant future might involve the state of Florida.

Unless it involves Islands of Adventure, I hope not. Spiderman ride, YAY!


You can correctly pronounce places like Hauppauge, Commack, Islip, Islandia, Massapequa.

I don't have anything to add to this.


You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonald's and 36 7-11s.

Six malls? I dont think so. God, I hope not. 36 7-11s, I hope so. 7-11s are like, my great joy.


You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..."

Ohhhh, no. No, I do not.


You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.

"Do or do not, there is no try." And now I've quoted "Star Wars" twice before my coffee, so I have no idea whats going on.


No, you don't want mustard on that burger!!

You know, I've done my share of traveling and never once had unsolicited mustard added to my burger.


You've had a seagull crap on your car.

Ive also had an egg thrown at my car. Baldwin bastards.


You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR and ended up in one of these three places: Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville.

Hahaha, sure have! But let me just take this opportunity to mention how much the Hicksville line sucks. BABYLON 4EVA!


You went to an elementary school that promoted dodgeball as the number 1 game among children 7-13.

What? No, I...what?


You know White Castle is terrible for you and the food sucks but you periodically "Get the Crave."

There are very few cravings for crap that I escaped, but White Castle is thankGodfully one of them, the lack thereof sealed forever after letting Natalie talk me into buying the frozen ones one post-Stingers evening/morning.


You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx, but would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan.

I hate the Yankees. That's right, SUCK ON THAT AHLELELLELELELLELELLELELELELE my girlfriend Lizzy Kaplan.


You've missed that "Drunk Train," the 2:42 out of Penn and had the dreaded wait until 5:30.

The 5:30 train is the drunk train, and its not 5:30, its 5:07!


You or someone you know has owned an animal that came from North Shore Animal League.

Yes, Pecan and Pumpkin awww and can I just say right now what psychos they have working there? Like, I LOVE animals, and hate the thought of anyone ever hurting or mistreating them, but North Shore makes it next to impossible to adopt, which I think is a real freaking shame, since so many need homes.


Quick! Who's the Suffolk County Executive? Don't know, do you?!

I'll do you one better and tell you that I have no idea what a County Executive is. I know, I'm awesome.


You've never taken an MTA bus.

What? Yes, I have. Shut up!


The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks.

No, it's worse. HATE.


You don't associate Fire Island with gay men.

I really dont associate it with much at all.


You know which parts of "The Godfather" were filmed on Long Island.

I've never seen "The Godfather." NO, I AM NOT KIDDING!


You've paid a $10 cover charge to get into a bar, but got nothing for it.

I avoid cover charge bars like the plague. I don't feel the need to pay to have the element that attracts flipping their bleached blonde hair into my drink or spilling their appletinis on my shoes, thanks.


You miss wiffleball and running through sprinklers.

I do not miss wiffleball, just the thought of organized sports fills me with panic and dread. Yes, even wiffleball. I do miss running through sprinklers, though.


You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute and you enjoyed watching it grow up.

Hee!


Billy Joel said it best, "Either you date a rich girl from the North Shore, or a cool girl from the South Shore".

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YEAH!!!!!!!!!! NORTH SHORE SUCKS!


You don't really see the big deal about the Hamptons, unless you got smashed.

I don't really think I'd like Hamptons people.


When people ask, "Where are you from?" you answer Long Guy Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows that answer means New York.

No, I answer New York in hopes of avoiding funny funny people saying Oh, "LONG GUY LAND?" and annoying the crap out of me.


You've always liked Billy Joel and you own several of his "records."

No, I don't like Billy Joel, despite his awesome quote from above. I KNOW! I dont know why, I just don't. I don't hate him; he just does nothing for me.


The Belt Parkway sucks!

Not sure I've ever taken it. But I'm sure it does.


Your parents took you to Nathan's or Carvel (on the way home from the beach).

Never to Nathan's, and Carvel was after the pool. After the beach we went to Ice Cream World in Merrick.


Regular gas - $3.39 and you still pay it!!!

No.


You hate paying tolls.

This is a really stupid one.


You don't have to go far to see your family.


"I think this line's mostly filler." ~ Willow


You remember Grumman.

Mmm hmm.


You've gotten drunk on the bleachers of some high school.

No I haven't, but I did light matches on them in elementary school when I was in my pyro phase and some girl wasn't allowed to hang out with me anymore. I was so badass!


You know the color of the water at Jones Beach is not BLUE!


Well, of course not. Go to California if you can't handle it!


You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy's.

YES. See now, this right here is insightful commentary. Who the hell cares, "Your family lives close by," but the Roy Rogers debacle was severe. I mean, the Oreo shake was an important part of my Nassau Community College career, like I could haul my depressed ass to Roy's and get a shake and sit in my car all by myself and read Cosmo, which made me even more depressed because of course the year I leave my school of 10 people to go to depressing huge Nassau is the year that bony becomes the new slim, and so I'd sit there escaping the world but then it just disappeared, although that one became McDonald's, but also, I HATE Wendy's, I know a lot of people love it, but not only do I not like the Yankees or Billy Joel but I also dont like Wendy's, because first of all, MAYONNAISE??? EW! And just, I dont know, I just don't like it. And now all the Roy Rogers(es?) that do exist suck, and it's like Pet Sematary, when you see them, you're all happy, but forgetting that they came back wrong and are now almost as offensive as Arby's.


You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Penn Station and Ronkonkoma.

Oh, please. "Ronkonkoma."



Paying $35 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.

I haven't paid that little for a professional haircut since the Lemon Tree craze of '87.



You think the people from Brooklyn are "da wunz dat tawk wit a accent."


I think that the idiots at Mulcahy's are the ones dat tawk like dat about dare cahs and dare boyz and dare coke.


Sledding in the sumps

* Deep breath * I've never been sledding. It is one of my great life woes.


You knew of Massapequa before the Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare.

That was not a nightmare, it made for some of the best television ever. THREE. THREE movies were made about it, one with Drew Barrymore, one with Alyssa Milano, but the best actress was that Noelle chick, but they were all of course awesome.


You thought going to Queens was a hike.

When? When did I think this? Did we all of a sudden stumble into a "You know youre from the '80s/'90s" essay?


The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea," you were somewhere else and you laughed.

Somewhere...else...what?


When you live somewhere else and are astounded to see that people actually stop at yellow lights.

Okay, I think the end of this was tacked on or something, because the tense is different and everything sucks now.


When you just sort of presume that wherever you live, you'll be able to find good delis, good pizza, and good bagels.

See, case in point, because of course I don't presume that. I presume that all that stuff is gonna be wretched.


You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island.

All I can say is thank God for Taking Back Sunday, Brand New, and Straylight Run, because not only do they each have some really nice people in them (well, at least the last two do), but now I don't have to pretend to like Nine Days to support.


When you walk in the city and you see two men holding hands...it becomes normal to you.


"Becomes" when? Like, it stops being normal when I'm in Long Island, but when I enter the city I "become" all faux open-minded? I don't get it.


No word ends in an "ER," just an "AH."

If this ever becomes true, I would like for someone to shove an ice pick down my throat so I can never speak again.


You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Long Island.

Yeah, yeah.

©2006