How To Make Me Hate You

1. Demand that I smile, especially if you are a sinister older man in the bar.

2. Say "Judy, Judy, Judy" in that voice every chance you get.

3. Then say, "You know who said that? Cary Grant." That is a misnomer, and I know this for a fact because I read it in a book, and not even The Baby-Sitters Club.

4. While youre at it, sing "Hey Jude."

5. Then yell, "That's The Beatles! Do you know that song?" Yes, yes I do, but I try not to think about it.

6. Don't bag your groceries.

7. Better yet, demand double paper.

8. Then complain about the job I do.

9. Instead of disciplining your own children, when they climb all over the register, yell at them that "The lady's gonna get mad at you!" The lady's gonna get mad at YOU.

10. When your purchases are being scanned, question the price of every other item. This is awesome, both for the cashier, and for the people in line behind you. Why waste your time looking at the signs on the shelves? You've got places to be! After all, those acrylic tips arent gonna fill themselves, Plainview ladies.

11. Tell racist jokes.

12. Tip badly.

13. Talk trash about my friends in front of me and expect me to participate. Why wouldnt I do the same thing to you, then? Take your gossip energy and use it to grow a bigger mind.

14. TOUCH ME, strange guys in bars! Please, you know I'm just hoping you'll stumble over to me and caress me with your manly hands, wet from sweat and Budweiser condensation!

15. Talk about how you dont watch TV in that way that translates, "I am so, so much deeper than you." Because you're not. Ill bet you -- a dollar. You know who said that? Lorelai Gilmore! Thats right, bitches!

©2005