But First, I Need Some Bread

So all of a sudden, it hit me – I really, really want a Hello, Kitty toaster. It should have been obvious, I suppose. I love Hello, Kitty and all things pink, but I'm not looking to go all Anna Nicole Smith with my apartment. However, I do not actually own a toaster. I have never owned a toaster.

Perhaps this stems from fear. When I was 17, I set a Pop-Tart fire while babysitting two infants, and that was fairly traumatizing. I did use toasters in my parents' house, although my OCD with making sure it was unplugged and not setting new, invisible fires was fairly debilitating.

I do own, listed in no particular order, the following: a Foreman grill, a waffle iron, an ice cream maker, a fondue maker, and at one point before they went missing, a s’mores maker, a skillet, and a wok. How many of these have I used? Three. I’ll let you triviamongers out there figure out which ones. Try not to flood my inbox, ‘kay?

So given my penchant for kitchen appliance collecting, it’s kind of silly that I don’t own a toaster. I mean, the appliances I just listed could easily band together to set a fire in the middle of the night. They might resent my checking the oven knobs 1,237 times before I go to bed, and think, “Hey! We are just as bad-ass as your oven!” And all hell would break loose. Maybe if I got a toaster, it could kind of be the quiet leader of all the minor appliances, and keep them calm and in good spirits, like Hurley on “Lost.”

And who’s kidding whom? I might actually use a toaster more than say, a waffle iron, ‘cause Lord knows it doesn’t look like I’ll ever be cooking breakfast for anyone else again. Plus, if I ever get it together long enough to buy the scary, dark-brown German bread from ShopRite, I could use a toaster to prepare a nutrient-rich snack, and what’s not good about that?

So I think I’m going to do it – get a toaster. And as long as I genuinely need a toaster, why not speed up the inevitable anthropomorphization of said toaster by purchasing one that has a cat on it? Solid plan, if I do say so myself!

~ THE END ~

P.S. If you read this entire thing, you’re awesome.

P.P.S. If you read this entire thing, and connected with it to some degree, please email me, because I want to be your friend and/or marry you.

P.P.S. Yes, I learned the word “anthropomorphize” from Calvin and Hobbes.


©2005