Blonde Ambition

If you are going to get to know me at all, then I really must explain to you my hair in 1989.

In order to understand that I was neither a) schizophrenic nor b) on acid, you really need to understand just how much we as girls in the '80s needed to look like female sitcom stars. We're talking pre-Internet, even pre-Hairstyle magazines that sometimes still have "The Rachel" on the cover. All we had was television and Teen Beat. For me, my actress hair of choice was Brooke Theiss, Wendy Lubbock from "Just the Ten of Us." I saw this goal as achievable. However, in order to attain it, I had to get more serious about achieving both the perfect white-blonde, and the perfect curl in my pin-straight hair.

Step one, obviously, was to use Touch of Sun (like Sun-In, only "better"). Every single morning, I was like someone on "The O.C.," waking up at approximately 4am. For them, it's to bond with parents and go to the diner for several hours and also possibly get into a fistfight. For me, it was to shower, spray Touch of Sun all over my head, and then blowdry my hair. Over and over.

All the effort was paying off. My hair was finally getting white blonde -- excellent! I was well on my way to the perfect "Wendy," when I got sidetracked unexpectedly by the reigning queen of television girls: Alyssa Milano.

Alyssa Milano was, of course, the best one out there, because not only was she so pretty, but every boy in the world loved her, including Smurf. Hi, Smurf! And see, in the past, I never even ATTEMPTED to emulate Alyssa Milano, because she had that thick, wavy, long, Italian hair that I'd spent my life deeply envying, knowing it would never be mine.

But all of a sudden! Alyssa Milano had a new hairdo! It was layered, with thick bangs. And much like Alexis Bledel today, Alyssa Milano defied all natural odds to become even more beautiful!

And the brilliant thing was, I already had bangs. So obviously, all I had to do was cut my hair to look like Alyssa's! Forget Brooke Theiss! I wanted the best!

Obviously, the next scene found me in my room in front of my...slanted...mirror, with a pair of dull scissors.

Yeah.

Ignoring all laws of nature, and physics, and, I'm even guessing, geometry, I set out to transfom my just-below-shoulder-length, super-fine, super-straight, (not naturally white) blonde, Irish-girl hair into...Alyssa Milano's hair. Which, BTW, was almost down to her waist.

"WHAT HAVE I DONE? SWEET JESUS, WHAT HAVE I DONE?" I might have sung if I had been transported to a future with "Les Miserables," but if I HAD had access to a time machine, a great many of my problems would have been solved, such as the fact that I now sported an, albeit whitish blonde, upside-down staircase on my head where my hair used to be!

WTF!

I made the most of it, and thanks to the popularity of alligator and banana clips, as well as the laser light show of bangs that I sported, I could basically cover up the damage and wait for time to work its sweet, sweet magic.

Crisis mostly averted. All was well. The end.

Only here is where Stripe JUMPS INTO THE POOL to unleash hell on earth! Because just when you think life is safe again...I buy a home perm!

I must have started watching "Just the Ten of Us" again. Or seen one too many Ogilvie® commercials DURING "Just the Ten of Us," because while I can explain to you the misguided logic behind both the Touch of Sun and the scissors, I absolutely cannot explain why I decided to give myself a home perm the night before I had to go to sleepaway camp for the first time ever.

And yet.

There was something about the combination, in the '80s, of plastic rods, rolling papers, and the smell of sulphur. For a girl like me, who dreamed her whole life of having curly hair, these things symbolized power. Control. The ability to take control over my hair destiny.

Well, this perm went as all my other perms and bodywaves that had gone before it -- unimpressive, limp, but slightly wavy! TRIUMPH!

Until.

Like I've said, I have super fine, soft hair. When the air gets humid, my hair doesn't frizz, it rolls over and dies. So I was completely unprepared for the sensation of my hair...growing outwardly...as my mother drove me to Shannon's house, where I was sleeping over so we could leave for camp in the morning.

Shannon greeted me with a look that can only be described as quizzical. "Did you do something different to your hair?" she nervously asked.

"Oh, I gave myself a perm," I said as nonchalantly as I could, trying with all of my cheerleading spirit to squelch the sense of panic I was feeling as my hair expanded around me like Violet when she turns into a blueberry.

"Oh!..."

Okay, now you see, Shannon was (hee!) the nicest person in the WORLD. And to this day, she remains the most diplomatic of friends, the best at getting along with everyone. So for SHANNON to not throw me an "It looks nice" bone was a BAD SIGN.

I rushed to the mirror in Shannon's hallway.

"Oh my God!" I cried.

Shannon continued to look confused, and at this point I realized that the look I mistook as confusion was actually one of worry and concern.

My hair...MY HAIR!

You know how in television when people suffer loss, how sometimes they go through really stupid and self-destructive behavior, but it doesn't affect them until that ONE moment, where it all of a sudden HITS them and they just break down and sob? Like Rory, when she breaks up with Dean. Like Willow, when she decides to stop being evil and start being real.

Like me, when I stood in front of the mirror, and saw a yellow, upside-down staircase of straw, uber-poofy "hair."

Ohhhhhhh. Nooooooo.

Apparently, putting nasty perm chemicals on top of BLEACH doesn't exactly lend itself to a positive end result. And worst of all...

...I HAD TO GO TO CAMP TOMORROW! And I truly believe that this is what spawned my present-day social anxiety. I mean, as it was, by 8th grade, I weighed 130 pounds and was carting around a DD chest. I wasn't fat at ALL, but I thought I was, considering that I lived in a Lilliputian land, like what IS it with Christian girls? Every girl at my school and from camp was like five foot one and weighed 90 pounds. So as it WAS, I had deep-seated (seeded? SOMEONE TELL ME!) body issues.

And you can say, well stop being shallow for half a second and just have fun, but: please see the opening paragraphs. Junior high was not a time for self-possession and objectivity. That was what college was for, only then you felt bad for not being self-possessed, so you ate ice cream and wore ugly sweatshirts.

But as a 13-year-old girl on your way to camp with people you've never met before, you don't care about your energetic spirit, or your ability to make people laugh. You care about the fact that some BITCH (who was actually a sweetheart) named Lauren has the perfect white-blonde hair, even perfecter than Wendy's!

And hers is natural.

And meanwhile, yours has gone from the "Wendy" to the "Ray Bolger."

And 14 years later, with absolutely no irony, you purchase another home perm. But fear of the past gives you pause.

And you leave it in your cabinet, but move it with you from apartment to apartment.

And you wonder: Elliott from "Scrubs" maintains that all women are still 13-year-old girls inside. So the question is, will that inner 13-year-old once again have her way with the setting lotion?

Only time will tell.










©2006

The '80s

You Know You Grew Up In The '80s If:
The Deluxe Edition, Now With Commentary!


1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
Yeah, okay, when did that become the spelling of it? I used to make fun of Krysi for writing it that way. But yeah, I did say it a few times...but in my head it was "Psych!"


2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
No. I loved Pound Puppies, but thought their show looked dumb.


3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
Wasn't that the '90s? Anyway, not really. But I do like the bit of trivia that Carlton was just doing the Courtney Cox "Dancing in the Dark" dance, only spazzier!


4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
This, unfortunately, is back again. I'm sorry, I had nothing to do with it.


5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
Ohhhhhhhhh I LOVED The Baby-Sitters Club SO MUCH!!!!!! And yes, I desperately wished I was Stacey, diabetes and all. I'm not kidding. I didn't try to start the club though, because all my friends were scattered over the Island. You can bet I WOULD have, though!


6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
No My parents never bought them for me, and I always wanted them I can still smell her hair!


7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on "Blossom."
Yeah. What a weird time for sex symbols.


8. Two words: Hammer Pants
I'm not gonna lie. I LOVED those pants. They were so comfortable! And made you look extra cool when you did the Running Man.


9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"
Well, sure.


10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
"Spokey-dokes"? WTF? Anyway, I liked streamers, but never had them, but the cards I never did, but I did one time catch my bare foot in the spokes while I was riding on the back of Kelly's bicycle. That was...painful. And disgusting.


11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)
No, that was after I discovered...I don't know what I discovered, but I stopped watching cartoons all of a sudden. Maybe this was when I spent every day singing along to "Kids, Incorporated" tapes.


12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
Oh, absolutely!!! Although, much as I love them, "Smurfs" went on FOREVER, no? My favorite lineup was "Smurfs," "Punky Brewster" (the cartoon), and "Alvin and the Chipmunks." When they sang, "It's been awhile, but we're back with style," it was like, "Yes, it HAS been awhile -- welcome back, Chipmunks!"

No, I'm totally serious right now.


13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
I sure did!


14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen..and still know the turtles' names.
I know their names, yes, but did not see that movie. I'M SORRY.


15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
What? What! What is that.


16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
FIRST of all. I never "made" my mom buy me anything. I hate those kids! And I hate those parents, like grow a set of balls, Moms! Second of all. Yes, I did tie some shirts to the side, this one particularly snazzy matching tie-dyed ensemble, to be exact, but the clips were for amateurs, okay? I just needed my hands. (Owwwww!)


17. You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
Yes, but..."shelter"? No. "S" stood for Shack. My favorite ones were where I got a really hot guy and a hot car, but lived in a shack. That seemed very badass to me.


18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
I was around for "stonewashed = cool," and I was around for "Jordache = cool," but Jordache was not cool when stonewashed was cool. It was like...L.A. Gear, or uhhh...WAIT, what was it? Ellesse, but that was sneakers...screw it. But not Jordache. But I did have a stonewashed jacket that I stonewashed myself, AND I wrote all over it -- who I loved, which bands were the best (New Kids). All that. It was awesome. And Shannon had a stonewashed denim jacket that she put mime pins all over.


19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?
Yes, you could mention if they made jackets. But, wait, hold up. Did Gear bags come from L.A. Gear??? Because that would make SO much sense! But no one EVER remembers Gear bags except for me -- do YOU???


20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten. (She's Truly Outrageous.)
Hahahaha. "Kindergarten."


21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona books.
What's with the random capitalization, List? And yes! Yay! Judy Blume ruled of course, but Beverly Cleary is the WOMAN, and the Ramona books kicked ASS. They still do. Seriously, you want a nice night? Read a Ramona book!


22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
Indeed. RIP Mr. Miyagi awwww.


23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
Please pay attention.


24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)
Yes! That was The Big Goal of 1985 -- to collect all four sets neon anklets. I mean anklets the socks, not the jewelry. And they went much like candy flavors. The yellow and green were easiest to acquire. Then the orange. Finally the pink. But the REAL treasure, the way you could really prove you were "in style," was to have the BLUE neon socks. Those were a rare commodity. Then, fluorescent was resurrected in 1989, and this time, I got to combine my newfound fashion courage with some AMAZING neon stockings, that totally matched my big t-shirts, and were worn with bicycle shorts. So hot.


25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
Aww, that is mean.


26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
Please, not this again.


27. You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.
OH YEAH! Lunchboxes RULED! And not the pussy bullshit kids have now, but the hardcore metal ones that you could totally hurt someone with, and would rust, and the thermoses that held one ounce of apple juice that would then smell like apple juice forevermore and either way you'd be pissed that your mom wouldn't spring for a juicebox.

As for Garbage Pail Kids -- I loved them. Once, I bought an entire box of series two, JUST to get Live Mike. I'm not kidding. He was terribly elusive, and it was driving me to MADNESS. Joltin' Joe was absolutely NO problem, but Live Mike...so I spent like 25 dollars to get a whole box just for the one effing card. I can still taste the hard, powdery gum.


28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
The craze, yes. I was never anywhere they were banned, I don't think.


29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
NO I sure do not. Heh. No, but really, I always thought that was incredibly obnoxious.


30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
Wait, what was that? I feel like I do, but I'm not sure.


31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
No. WTF.


32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
No! Weren't they brother and sister?? Or was that Teela. Either way, He-Man was not into girls, and She-ra was lame. I'm sorry, but she was.


33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
No, see, at South Shore, it was all about the acquisition of bracelets. We'd furiously make them in the back of the room, for ourselves, because whoever had the most was the coolest. It was great when Mr. Emilio was subbing, because he had a glass eye, and there was one area in the room where you could sit and make bracelets the entire period, and he couldn't tell.


34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
Yes! Kelly gave me a white pair for my 9th birthday! Then later on, I got a pink pair. There were three main kinds of jellies, you see. The ones with the hard-ish plastic and little holes. Those were cool. Then there were the ones with clear, less hard plastic that were criss-crossed. I liked those too. I did not, however, like the ones with soft plastic that were just like, lines. I hated those.


35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
No, I left that to Smurf. (Hi, Mike!) He basically talked like Pee-Wee Herman about 70% of the time.


36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
Yes. Hey, speaking of which, were those commercials TRYING to be funny? 'Cause you always like, felt as though you should feel bad laughing at them? But they were awesome.


37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
Absolutely! Ah, man. Roller skating. Some of the best memories ever.


38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
No, dude, I could rock the Slip and Slide. A few cuts and bruises came with the joy.


39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
Yes. That was like, two years ago, though.


40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's.
Did I? McDonald's? I'm not sure. I did, however, kiss Jeffrey Paradise square on the mouth in the backseat of his mom's car when I was six years old, and he just finished his birthday party at Burger King. Fast-food birthday parties get me randy, I guess.


41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
I hate these ones, where they think they're all, "Gotcha!" I mean, WHY ELSE WOULD I BE READING THIS!


42. You remember Popples.
Yes, but I never had one.


43. Don't worry, be happy
Uh huh.


44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
Not EIGHT. You can't do that many pairs of socks with high-tops. It was like, three, max.


45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do..getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family)
What? I mean, yes, yes I did, that was part of the cheerleading uniform, but NO not still now!


46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
Haha, yes, I did try this. I'm sure I looked VERY cool.


47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
Gremlins = <3333333 I saw the first one at a drive-in! It was on a double bill with "Never Say Never Again," a James Bond movie! And I saw the second one with Devon since we refused to see "Days of Thunder" with Shannon on her Big Date.


48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
I didn't watch the cartoon, just LOVED the bears themselves.


49 You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales
No, same answer as 48.


50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
Of course Samantha was hot! Doogie -- no. Maybe if I'd watched the show more, but my early '90s celebrity love was reserved entirely for the New Kids, my July '89 affair with David Faustino notwithstanding.


51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
I loved my Alf shirt.


52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"
I DO flinch at the "NKOTB." That was a dark time. And they still are cool. Shut up.


53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
Well, why the HELL would I know the names and life stories of the NEW class?


54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
I EVEN know the actual title. Geez, List.


55. You just sang those words to yourself.
No.


56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
I know that is a basketball reference, but no.


57. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)
I remember that, but was too shy to wear them.


58. You remember when mullets were cool!
Yes, I do :-/


59. You had a mullet!
No! I had feathered bangs, and lots of bad stuff happening with my hair, but not a mullet.


60. You still sing "We are the World"
Yay!


61. You tight rolled your jeans.
Yeahhhh. Sorry about that.


62. You owned a banana clip.
Yes, but they totally only looked cute when I had a perm.


63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
Sure.


64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
Why, do I look like a douchebag?


65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
Haha, I didn't have BIG hair, just HARD hair. Sometimes crispy. But I never liked BIG, big hair.


66. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!
No. I'm also not singing "YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME." I mean, come on, now.