Ladies! Let's perpetuate our own negative stereotypes!

I got a text from Javier last week ranting about how I need to write a blog about how Long Island women can't drive. Which sounds offensive, but in actuality? True. Meanwhile I've been reading from an alarming number of women who think guys have no right to turn down sex, and if he is, he is "gay." Gross. But it got me thinking, these women seem very confident in how awesome they are. Maybe they're right. And if we don't know their secrets, how in the world can we lure in the hotties at Mulcahey's and Mirage? Answer: We can't. So I figured I'd help out, and got some undercover tips on…



How To Be A Socially Acceptable Woman


Drive badly.
Chat animatedly on your cell phone, don't use your turn signal, and in general act a fool. It will be cute. While you're at it, get a vanity plate so everyone can know for a fact, yes you are a bimbo who thinks of her car as an accessory as opposed to a potential weapon. There was this lady a week or so ago who totally should be here to teach this seminar. Zig zagging all around, cutting people off – her license plate said "Ms Phone."


Get an SUV you don't know how to handle.
Three. THREE parking spots this black SUV was taking up in the Waldbaum's parking lot, which is hurting for parking already. Good job, "SoRaven."<-- not making that plate up.


Be on your cell phone at all times.
Talking while driving your SUV is a fantastic start, but it's far from enough. You should ideally be on the phone every time you set foot into a supermarket, Target, or 7-11. Talk loudly; the more inconsequential the subject matter, the better. While on line, disregard the cashier as a human being and treat him or her like another annoyance in your life there to interfere with your important day. And it should go without saying that you must be on your phone the entire time you ride the LIRR. The only exception to this is if you are with a girlfriend, and then you must learn to talk loudly to them AND people on your phone, while she does the same.


Don't vote.
Then complain about the outcome. If you must vote, vote for the cutest candidate, or the one who makes you feel super-duper happy, or another woman regardless of her platform because oh hey girl power yayyyy!


Say the word "empowered" a lot.
It is SO empowering, isn't it? Mmm, yes, so empowering. There's nothing like empowering empowerment to make you feel empowered.


Be a restaurant hellion.
I'll probably give you further instructions in a future blog, but for the time being, memorize the following: "On the side," "water with lemon," and "We're gonna split that." Use those phrases to replace "Please," "Thank you," and "Hello." Then sit there for many hours. And remember, the longer you stay and the more difficult you are, the less you should tip.


Say "ew" as much as you can.
Nothing's classier than a woman who looks down her nose at everyone and everything outside her comfort zone.


Talk about your diet.
All the time. All day. No, more. MORE, DAMMIT! I want all the info – calories, fat, this diet, that diet. Complain about how bad you are on your diet. Whatever you do, just don't leave it alone. Once you've got that covered, you will be ready for Step Two: telling other people why their diets are wrong.


Use sex as a weapon.
First you have to pretend to like sex, especially giving blow jobs. Then once you've lassoed in your lucky dude, stop. Only have sex when he begs you, and then, only here and there. Then, be in old lady pajamas. Under no circumstances should you wear lingerie. This is quite possibly the most important advice I can give you. When you learn to channel the power of your vagina, there is absolutely no need to work out your brain. Once you've landed your man and get married, stop having sex altogether except to get pregnant.


Read a lot of "women's" magazines.
They're helpful, realistic, and informative. Plus they give really great sex advice that has everything to do with how guys think. They also are the best places to find out which lime-green bag you should currently be spending thousands of dollars on. Furthermore, you get to read from other very intelligent women in the "Letters to the Editor" section. You might want to bring a highlighter and a dictionary.


Demand jewelry.
But the twist is that you have to dislike the jewelry you are given. Good phrases to know: Oh wait, I don't know any. Something with carats, and cuts. When in doubt, bandy about the word "platinum." And how you can't stand yellow gold. Women should no longer like yellow gold – not sure why, but I don't make the rules.


Know everything there is to know about celebrities.
They are what's important. They are what matter. Learn it, live it, love it. This way you will be the first to know when a celebrity's looks have taken a turn for the worse, making you all of a sudden much hotter.


Get a tattoo.
But only in an acceptable place: back - upper or lower, hip (at which point you must immediately begin lamenting over what will happen when you have kids one day), ankle, or…no, that's it. This way you can have the cool factor AND an excuse to lift up your shirt/pull down your pants in public, but you don't have to be one of those gross girls with, like, visible tattoos. You don't want guys thinking you're tough or they might stop giving you piggyback rides, which always make you look adorable.


Listen to terrible music.
Danity Kane, Pussycat Dolls, and anything played on Z100 is acceptable.


Don't drink beer.
Ideally you should drink appletinis, but anything with a cherry will work. Then you can talk about being able to tie the stem into a knot with your tongue. Which is really important when it comes to landing guys using aforementioned limited-time-offer blow jobs because it paves the way for clever banter about what else can you do with your tongue, ho ho ho. No pun intended.


Prove Freud right.
There is no need for actual debate skills if you can memorize this phrase: "I feel." After all, how can anyone argue with your feelings, and furthermore, what do thoughts and reason have to do with strong debate? Nothing, is what. Name call, cry – whatever it takes to wear your opponent down. Then you can say you outsmarted them. I feel this is a great way to show how empowered we are.






©2008