Lettuce come to an understanding.

Chop, Chop (Chop)


First off as an aside, this was just too brilliant not to share. From my beloved new site, Stuff White People Like:

When engaging in a conversation about corporate evils it is important to NEVER, EVER mention Apple Computers, Target or Ikea in the same breath as the companies mentioned earlier. White people prefer to hate corporations that don’t make stuff that they like.

How freaking true!


Anyway, my day has been very full, what with proofreading the one thing and going to the bank. But there was still room to learn that there is a new kind of person out there for me to hate!

It all happened when I went to get my salad from Bagel Factory. They make lovely salads, and eating salads on the days that I don’t mind them helps me continue to lose weight despite being hit by the random urge to make baked macaroni and cheese (which I have at long last perfected!) and eat it.

Bagel Factory has one of those salad bars like in Manhattan, where you feel like it’s not too germy because it’s behind glass. Sadly, unlike Manhattan, the salad bar does not have avocado. The only place that I’ve found on Long Island that carries avocado is Fireside Deli. Unfortunately, the day I got it there, they chopped my salad, essentially making my salad a plain salad with a thin green film. Not too delicious.

So overall, I do not like chopped salads unless they are "specific" chopped salads like at Boulder Creek. A nice side benefit of this is that I look like a nice person. Today, the man behind the counter started chopping my salad, much to my horror, I mean what are the point of mozzarella balls if they are no longer balls! But I said very nicely, "Oh you don’t have to chop my salad."

"We like people like you this time of day," the lady next to the man said. "By now, our arms hurt!" So I laughed, and they laughed, and we all had an even BIGGER laugh when the next girl didn’t need her salad chopped, either. What are the odds!

But then. THEN. The lady goes, "Really it’s not the chopping, it’s the people who want it double chopped, and triple chopped."

WTF! And I said as much! Without profanity! Seriously, in all my years of waitressing and witnessing of high maintenance douchebaggery, it never would have even occurred to me that someone might ask for this! I think I’d either flat out refuse or double-triple chop some *bonus* items in there.

So that was bad enough, realizing that we were pretty far from Plainview, but people like this still roamed amongst us.

It gets worse, though.

The Lady: "I asked someone one day, isn’t that like baby food; why would they want it like that? Apparently they eat while they work, and have to make phone calls."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are just...so many things wrong with ALL of that sentence that I’m lucky my brain didn’t just go *pop* right there. I mean, first of all, EW. But I bet these are the same people who freak about phone germs, like the ladies who piss on the toilet seats, because how GROSS to eat while you are making business calls!

Second of all, well EW again, but like, what kind of twisted brain even thinks to do this?

And finally...IF YOU ARE THAT IMPORTANT THAT YOU CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO EVEN CHEW YOUR OWN FOOD, THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD MAKE YOUR OWN LUNCH AND SAVE THE PRECIOUS TIME AND CHEW YOUR FUCKING FOOD!

Holy CRAP. And speaking of which...ew, no, never mind.

Seriously though. If you find yourself needing complete strangers to cut up your food for you, and you are not very elderly or in a body cast, then check yourself.

Maybe I will print this out and hand it to people at the door. A few copies each to the women with the dead shark eyes and acrylic tips.

Double and triple chopped. Pffffffffffffffffft.


©2008