Morning Shit List Awards II

Bronze Medal

People who will simply not stop saying "ironically." EVERYone uses it wrong! Well, not literally.* And don't get me wrong. I was an English major, and still get nervous when I try to figure out whether something's ironic. But I do know that "Jagged Little Pill" came out 13 years ago -- plenty of time to learn that "ironically" is not synonymous with "how 'bout that bug-infested chardonnay," you know? I proofread something today about the presidential elections and the writer used ironically completely inappropriately and it pissed me off, because like, credibility much? (Now, see, that was ironic. (I think.))

*Runner-up: People who keep saying literally when they mean figuratively, like "I LITERALLY have a thousand things to do." No.


Silver Medal

TRUCKS!!! Effing trucks!!! Good GRAVY, effing trucks.

Seriously. I work on Wellwood Avenue and have become firmly convinced that in order to get a truck driver's license in the armpit of life aka Farmingdale, all you have to do is show up drunk and on quaaludes, and they are all like, HERE YOU GO HERE IS A JOB START TODAY because holy CRAP, the truck drivers around here are horrendous, and not in the way that they tear around like Christine because that would be a welcome improvement. No. They go three miles an hour, literally. Just kidding. But they go really really slow and the wimpy drivers in this area, likely depressed by the fact that every deli around here is actually a front for crack, just let the trucks mosey on out in front of everyone, bringing traffic to a screeching halt when like, I HAVE TO GET TO WORK.

Runner-up: People who go 60 miles in the left lane on the parkway. That's all very WELL AND GOOD that you're so phlegmatic about life, how nice for you sir, ma'am, but not only is your behavior obnoxious; it is dangerous.


Gold Medal

The DJ on 106.1 and everything his statements reflect about why I am pissed off as a feminist in society. (Catchy!)

And right away, I know Ima piss people off right now, and right away, I'm pissed right back 'cause that is my point.

I am a feminist. And we can get the hair splitting out of the way while I say that yes, I know men tend to have stronger arms, woot woot. I don't think that men and women are exactly alike. But I believe in mutual respect and the deserving of equality for each gender. Dammit, if I have to haul my ass out of bed every day to go make less than I'm worth in order to pay my cell phone bill and generally be a cliché when truth be told, I would LOVE to stay home and cook and clean and write my book, then I damn well BETTER be given equal rights.

Part of why I am a feminist is that I have an insanely rebellious brain. I don't like being told what to do, but more than that, I really, really, REALLY don't like being told what to think. To me, that is the greatest insult of all. Maybe it has to do with learning how to read when I was three; I stopped relying on others for my information pretty early on and went and fetched it myself.

So it really chaps my ass when I get treated like a traitor to my people by not supporting Hillary Clinton for president. I believe that I am in a unique (not VERY unique, mind you; see bronze medal) position in that I grew up very conservative, and over the years have become a lot more liberal. Many see that as hypocritical. Many treat me like I'm letting them down. But whatever, because I am a truth-seeker above all, and I want, to quote Alanis given the theme, "to know why and how come about everything."

Meaning, I'm not towing your party line. And if I have to deal with getting shit from conservatives for not being conservative enough, I can come right out and say flat out that nothing pisses me off more than when a liberal is closed-minded and humorless. It's so disingenuous, and why I adore Tina Fey more than anyone. She owns her political beliefs, and actually lives by them, seeing humor in everyone regardless -- or because -- of their political beliefs. Because people are funny! And dumb! And think once they know one thing, they know everything!

Which is ridiculous! Almost as ridiculous as the backwards-ass notion that because I'm a woman, I should have to vote for Hillary because she IS a woman because hello, hi:

1) That defeats the entire purpose of feminism. Shouldn't I have just as much of a right to a free, informed vote as a man does?

2) I don't agree with her positions on gun control and partial birth abortion, two issues that directly relate to personal safety. Do I now have to compromise that safety by voting for someone who directly negates my personal beliefs, just because she is a woman?

3) I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN AN OLIGARCHICAL SOCIETY! I mean, really! Regardless of whether anyone was the worst or awesomest president in the whole wide world, I don't want to go Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton, for literally (NOT kidding) 20 years! That's ridiculous! Also, Clinton, as in Bill Clinton? Overrated! Yes, I said it! Not liking Bush does not mean we have to get all rose-colored glasses about good ol' Bill. I mean, I'm sure I could drink some beer with him and have a fun time, but that doesn't mean I have to want Clinton II: U.S.S. Cole Bugaloo, if you know what I'm saying. And you should.


All of which is to say that when this 106.1 DJ starts losing his shit at the notion that Hillary's headline-making news of her almost crying might have an effect on votes? Just dumb. Ignorant. He said, and I'm paraphrasing as best as I remember, "Her weight, her clothes, her crying, none of that should matter." Okay, in complete agreement about the first two, but of COURSE her crying could affect things. I've remained cold and detached (for me) through most of this blog, but I am an emotional person, and I do sympathize with her situation on a personal level. On a political level, however, not only do I want a strong commander-in-chief capable of emotional detachment, because that is his or her job, but most of all, I don't want freaking double standards! Perpetuating the idea that women are too emotional to be good presidents is something that Hillary absolutely had every responsibility to keep in mind from the get-go.

That is what it comes down to for me. The job is for president, not who we think seems like a swell person, not who can play the best saxophone, but who can be the best president. I'm not saying that I have omniscient knowledge on who that is, but I DO know that it is my right as an American -- not as a woman, as an American -- to decide on my own for whom I will vote for president. That is everyone's right. And we should all be doing it. Not ending friendships because opinions differ, but -- sorry for the cheese -- building bridges and realizing that the polarization of politics in this country has done way more harm than good. Maybe 2008 is the year we can pull our heads out of our asses and realize that we are not defined by our pins or our ribbons or our bumper stickers, but by our ability to become more informed and connected human beings with both the capability and the responsibility to create the government we'd like to see.


Runner-up: I think I've talked long enough.





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