Shaq's Big Challenge

Okay, so no joke? "Shaq's Big Challenge" totally rocked my world tonight. I had never even heard of this show, and my sports knowledge is spotty at very best, and also despite my "Survivor" adoration (it is a GENIUS GAME), and despite my guilty pleasure (86 pleasure) of MTV ""reality"" shows (double air quotes to symbolize double condoms needed), I really mostly hate reality television.

And y'all know about my militantly conservative bleeding heart standpoints (not an oxymoron, 'cause here I am!) regarding body issues in society. It is one of my most passionate issues, and top that off with my deep distrust of government intervention because people are really really really stupid and lazy and so we get things like fucking Disney pulling out of Mcdonald's and I get really PISSED OFF.

So you can see why I'd bristle as I flipped channels. I'm really not a channel flipping kind of gal, you know, as much as you'd think I spent my entire life in front of the television -- well, you wouldn't be wrong, in the strictest sense of the word, but I do think that television gets a hugely unjust rap, because some of today's best art -- writing, acting, music -- is being showcased on television, and I feel bad for the people who are too snobby to realize this, 'cause they are missing out.

All of which is to say that there's a lot of television I've never seen or heard of, because I get very into specific shows and tend to stick with them.

Also, my remote has been missing for four years.

So you can see as how I got all riled up when I started watching the show, and I'm not gonna lie, I sat down all smug and ready with one of my ubiquitous composition books (PSA TO FUTURE COLLEGE STUDENTS: Don't go with anything else!), set to write notes on everything that is wrong with the world as represented by this show.

Well, I was totally wrong.

Seriously, this show is freaking AWEsome. It seems at first like just a "Celebrity Fit Club" for kids, and there are definitely borderline times where you think, "This is horrible," but then you realize that these kids are extremely overweight, and so, so young, and in a life or death situation, I'll go with life even if it's awkward.

And I do think that it is the parents' responsibility first and foremost, I do. Not that I think there is anything at all wrong with some fast food here and there, because kids are kids, and better to teach them why some food is simply junk, and fun as a treat, but just as that -- a treat. But like, I waitress at Boulder Creek, and it is utterly horrifying to me, the way parents order their toddlers Pepsis and REFILLS of said Pepsis, and get all, "Ohhhh, what do you want? Chicken nuggets?" and some kids tantrum and tantrum and at the end of the day, I bring a LOT of families cheese fries, Pepsis, and fried food.

Again, there is nothing wrong with that in a treat kind of way, but dude, it did sort of draw me in, looking at how these kids are way over 200 pounds -- kids! -- and Shaquille O'Neal is officially my new hero, because there he is, all tall and trying to lose weight himself in a very realistic, non-eating-disorder kind of way, and his heart is just bleeding all over the set, he cares so damn much about these kids, and they sense it, you know? Because you're not going to go in and bullshit a bunch of tough kids. You're just not. And he doesn't try. He definitely plays the "Heyyy, I'm SHAQ" card, but as well he should.

And apparently, he's doing all of this to try and institute a healthy cafeteria program, and I have to say that I deeply admire his ambition, that he's not just all, "HEY IT'S YOUR FAULT GOVERNMENT, ABOUT THE KIDS." That vibe does not come across at all; it's more just like, "We can do better by our next generation."

And that is the vibe that permeates the show. It's not about, "Hey, you kids are fat, and we need to whip you into shape so you can grace the cover of Teen People." It's, "You guys somewhere along the line started believing that you can't do any better, but you CAN." The spirit of the show is totally "Mighty Ducks." That these kids, and by extension, the viewers at home, may have slipped under the radar at some point, but that doesn't mean they can't try harder. Not because trying harder is a sucky burden that we as Americans need to bear because we have extremely messed up beauty values, but because nobody should have to feel like his or her lot in life is to be literally morbidly obese.

That is why I love the show, officially. The kids are awesome, and honestly moved me to tears a couple of times, just in their effusive desire to not only better themselves, but to carry the weakest member of the pack, and push him to greater heights. It's beautiful, and inspiring, and I truly think that every family should watch this together. The show doesn't pull any punches. It puts the kids' weights out there, not because they should be a source of shame, but a source of reality, and also, those kids are way too smart and worldly to be condescended to.

So, yeah, check out the show. Shaq is a phenomenal coach, even losing weight along with the kids, again, not to look prettier, but just to be healthier. Mr. Tyler, the trainer, is my secret favorite because he is all military and sticking to it, which leads to great speeches and the kind of tough love that I myself don't have the balls to pull off, but admire that not only does he do it, but he also works extremely well with Shaq. Everyone on this show seems to genuinely care about the kids, and it's really sweet.

That's all, no elaborate wrapup, just thought everyone should know.

More blonde moments

Those Kittens Looked Like Twins:
An Evening Of One-Acts


Setting: Drinking at Bluepoint Brewery while talking to Danielle.

Danielle: Oh, Judi! You have a tattoo! What does it mean!

Me: Oh, it's the Chinese symbol for "friend."

Danielle: Keith! Keith! Look at Judi's tattoo!

Me: (thinking Danielle's just showing him 'cause he's into tattoos, even though mine, while special to me and I've had it for 10 years, is hardly that impressive.)

Keith: (sees my tattoo, eyes light up.)

Keith: (shows me his tattoo on calf, a big Asian symbol.)

Me: Ohhhh, that's so cool! What does that mean!

Keith: (disbelievingly) It's...

Danielle:...the SAME thing you have.

Me: Ohhhh. Hahahahah, well, YAY!

Everybody else: WOW ™Jim Halpert.


*******


Setting: Hanging out with Javier

Javier: Jumpin' Jehosophat!

Me: (Unphased, since I've been talking like a fifty-year-old Southern woman my entire life, and also because part of my soul is usually off on Green Gables somewhere, and it did not phase me in the least to hear it from my decidedly un-fifty, un-Southern, un-wanting to live in a barn, boyfriend.)

Javier: That is a reference to a movie I don't expect you to know, but it's where I heard that expression for the first time.

Me: Ummm..."(Some bad guess)"

Javier: No, it was "The Sword and the Stone."

Me: Oh.

Me: (All deep and full of mad knowledge, smug in my wisdom) I don't think that's where it originated, though.

Javier: No...

Javier: (double take)

Javier: ...It's from Arthurian legend.

Me: Oh!!! Hahaha! Okay!

Javier: WOW.


*******


Setting: Javier and I are trying to decide what to eat, as we are feeling more exotic than usual. So Chili's® it is!

Me: (hit with brilliant new, but just as classy, plan.)

Me: Hey, what about Applebees! There is one RIGHT near me, on 107, at least I think it's 107, the other side of it is 107. But you make a right, and there is an Applebees like, RIGHT there!

Javier: I don't know that one.

Me: (Feel like new Queen of Knowledge, since I finally know where something is all by myself.)

Javier: Oh, wait, is it near the big factory and the hospital?

Me: (Crestfallen, as my new crown has been unceremoniously torn from my hands, like a Miss America caught doing porn.)

Me: I don't KNOW. But I DO know there is an Applebees there.

Us: (Decide to get Chili's® anyway.)


Four days later


Javier: (Driving us somewhere on 107.)

Me: See, there's the Applebees!

Me: (Proud.)

Javier: Right, and...see? The factory?

Me: (Look to right, see stacks and stacks of smoky buildings taking up huge expanse of land.)

Me: Ohhhhh, yeah, how about that!

Javier: You've never noticed that before?

Me: (Cannot answer, as brain is busy chasing puppies and unicorns through sparkly cloud.)




©2007

Come on now, people!

From Bridget Jones's Diary:

(Her uncle): Come on, let's get you a drink. How's your love life, anyway?

(Bridget (to herself)): Oh God. Why can't married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn't rush up to them and roar, "How's your marriage going? Still having sex?"


Well, first off, I totally want to start doing that, because that would be AWESOME, but while we are on the subject, here is a helpful list I compiled, entitled:







10 Ways To Avoid, If Not Awkwardness, Then At Least Unoriginal Awkwardness!

1. Keeping with the married-or-not theme, don't say, "How's married life?" It's like, what kind of answer are you expecting there, you know? Either the answer is "Good," which ends the conversation right there anyway, or you get the Oversharer who will tell you exactly why s/he hates his/her life, and you just don't want to be on the receiving end of that conversation.

2. Don't touch a pregnant woman's belly without permission. That isn't even an original one, but it's amazing how many people do not seem to know this. But seriously! It's like, you wouldn't walk up to a non-pregnant woman and just rub her abdomen, assuming you are not on the bus in Oneonta, and you wouldn't walk up to a woman's newborn and start rubbing its face, so like, just CONTROL yourselves.

3. If you are in a restaurant, say Boulder Creek, and your food is running late, don't go, "Are they out slaughtering the cow! Har har har har har!" because not only is that not funny, but that is just unsettling on a whole other level, and makes me feel like Silvio on "The Sopranos."

4. Don't LAUGH at someone while they're working. I have enough problems without being outwardly guffawed at while cleaning tables because it is my job, like I'm probably smarter than you anyway if you are obnoxious enough to laugh at someone 'cause their job is blue-collar, and furthermore, I don't go visit the insurance company and point and laugh at your clerical ass.

5. You know how Peek-a-boo is a hilarious game because it makes babies seem like the dude from "Memento?" Only cuter, and a bit more dumb? Well, keep that in mind when I say that breasts might yield a lot of power in some circuits, but they are not actually magical orbs that obstruct things like one's vision. Just because I am not ACTIVELY LOOKING AT YOUR FACE does not mean that I -- excuse me...one...cannot see you looking. I know it happens, but I'm just saying stop acting like you're all stealth and clever about it, you know?

6. Unless you are mad close to someone, don't go, "You look tired." You wouldn't walk up to a stranger and go, "My God, you are unattractive," so don't tell your waitress or cashier that s/he looks tired. Unless you are just one of those super-sympathetic mother bear types, in which case much more is forgiven, 'cause your life is much tougher due to all the empathy baggage.

7. Also, don't make vague comments about one's appearance, like, don't say, "You got a haircut," and leave it at that, because was it a bad decision or what! Say something nice, or nothing, or even bad if you're sassy enough to pull that off, but say SOMEthing here.

8. Meanwhile, don't be all, "You look different," because self-identity is hard enough to establish without worrying that someone else can see into your soul and won't explain what's going on.

9. And finally on that note, it is fine and appreciated to acknowledge positive weight loss, but don't be all obvious that you're saying, "You lost weight!" but with your eyes, you are all, "Thank GOD." That's how Tracy Gold got anorexia.

10. I am a vegetarian at heart who gets sick if she doesn't eat meat, so I've been on both sides of this issue and feel I have enough objectivity to say, don't launch into a diatribe on why meat is murder if you are a vegetarian, and on the flip side, if you find out someone is a vegetarian, don't pull out your list of why that isn't natural or healthy. I mean, if you are a meat eater who is concerned because your SO is being vegetarian by eating only cheese and French fries, then you can say something. And if you are a vegetarian who really cannot watch your SO eat a rare steak without feeling like you are all of a sudden in a scene from "Sin City," then say something then, too. But if you meet up with a friend for lunch and she wants to get a garden burger, just calm down and talk about something else. Ask her how her love life is.





©2007