Real World Key West: The Wrap-Up

For some reason, I've written more about "The Real World: Key West," arguably the most unsatisfying season of "The Real World," than any other. So, in the spirit of completion, I present to you:

Notes On The Wrap-Up (started a few minutes late)

- Okay, why (WHY) is Tyler more charming in the first 30 seconds than he was all season?

- OMG a dead rat! Already, more interesting than the entire season.

- Tyler: "As if we needed proof (that we're filthy) -- look around us!" Awesome.

- Damn, Svetlana looks GORGEOUS. Holy crap! I always thought she was pretty, but the one detraction was her perpetual "duhhhh" face. She needed more wind machines and hairdressers, I guess, 'cause...PRETTY!

- Paula: "I'm not dirty! I'm messy!" YES, there is a big distinction, thanks, Paula, and, weird eye makeup notwithstanding, I'm glad to see you looking healthier and humorous.

- Janelle, you look pretty and relaxed, too! Geez, what do they do? Give them all Xanax at the recap special? 'Cause, so far I like everyone like a BILLION times more!

- Okay. There is a random room full of tons of butterflies, dead and alive. Explain to me WHY this was not on the show! How randomly creepy!

- I lived through every single year of the '80s. Not once did I ever see a pair of hoop earrings as big as Janelle's.

- "Find out what happens when we stop being polite...and start being real," or whatever they say, and...? Svetlana's LOSING A TAMPON INSIDE HER BODY does not fit into that equation, HOW, exactly?

- Oh, hi, Jose! Sorry about your not getting a personality and all.

- Quote of the Year - Zach: "How's your vagina?"

- Expression of the Year - Tyler: ("I am soooo glad I don't EVER have to deal with those things.")

- Mad points to Zach, albeit creepy, if he was in any way serious when he kept reiterating: "I'll do it" (find Svetlana's MIA tampon).

- Madder points to Paula: for looking for it. I mean, I WOULD do that for a friend, if push came to shove? (No pun intended) But, good lord.

- WOW. They got footage of said search. And...huhhh, I'll save it for my last paragraph.

- Nice. Nice, gross editors. Very * subtle * switch, from Svetlana's Lost Tampon to her Lost Can Of Tuna.

- Okay, here is a scene of Tyler's being maybe mean? And usually they would hold the camera, pause, then switch to one of his bitchy confessionals. Here, they have him saying something sorta "mean" to Svet, then they keep the camera on him instead of switching over, and he looks really tongue-in-cheek, actually. And very cute. Grrrr. What is the truth?

- Okay, enough, MTV. They so obviously want to market Svetlana for their stuff. Commercials, challenges, I'm not sure, but it is a bit SILLY that she gets this whole Whitesnake video fanned-hair treatment. I mean, she's not my TYPE, but I've always stuck up for her as a pretty yet sheltered girl who got bullied, but I mean, come ON, enough with the (literal) fans!

- Erm...Tyler just said this whole thing about "I pay people to (do any/all heavy lifting required by the hurricanes)." I really want to think that he's being tongue in cheek now, but I just don't know. Confusing!

- Janelle: "I think I put like, a chair inside or something...I don't know.

- GUYS! PLEASE! (Please) tell me you're joking! I mean, you have to be, right? Back in the initial hurricane episode, I was totally down with the ignorance, 'cause, who knew? And now, I am always down with gallows humor, 'cause, you have to be, but...all right, I'll just keep watching.

- Well, hi, John, showing up just in time to be the token asshole! However, cringeworthy as it may be, his CHASING THE COPS for "street props" after they are trying to walk away from the dude they could have totally arrested for peeing against a wall??? -- AWESOME!!!
- Hmmm. John must have said something like, "Yeah, I don't want to do a Challenge," 'cause, don't get me wrong, he was never the brightest crayon in the shed, but he is getting BITCH editing right now.

- "I think the only fun I ever had, was like, when we evacuated." ~ Janelle. Well, Janelle, speaking just for myself, I am really glad you got to have fun! <333

- WAIT! WHO! "Got naked at the gay club for free drinks!" And where is this club???

- "Like, whether or not I want to admit it, Svetlana and I are the villains this season, so...they painted us up to be that." ~ Tyler. WOW. Tyler just got back 500 more points from me for exhibiting more self-awareness in that one moment than the entire season combined.

- And...Tyler's reaction to them having painted his face. He pontificated as per usual, with an unbeknownst-to-him scary face, and his interview: "...so at that point, I was like, I'm an asshole, I'm just gonna go to bed." -- AWESOME. WHEREFORE WERET THOU, THIS TYLER?

- Janelle...Janelle. You are still young. So as an older woman, can I just tell you? Your obvious jealousy of Svetlana? Unattractive! Add an ounce of true confidence to your person, and you are way hotter than her.

- Ohhh, okay. Paula Walnuts. AKA: The Entire Real World Season.

- Wait. What? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, "dinner-plate nipples"? Do I want to know this.

- Okay...Halloween...Jose. Okay! Props to you for saying , "We looked like two really big douches," that was sort of funny

- Yeah, John is NOT that pretty a girl. Stop feeding his ego even more.

- WAIT! What was THAT! There was a pillow fight between Zach and Tyler, and I guess Zach's head ends up in Tyler's crotch? And all of a sudden, people are pissed off? Whatever. This is why I hate "The Real World."

- Yeah, John's That Guy.

- OMG! The Jessie Spano Freakout was reenacted by Tyler? DAMN! I'm sorry, Tyler. I really am. You rule harder than I ever knew!

- Hahaha "I would pass out and black out more than Paula would...I was just quiet about it." ~ Tyler

In closing: "The Shit They Should Have Seen": Why. WHY, Bunim/Murray. Why do you think we want to just see stupid fighting, sex, drunkenness, and bitchery all season? See, the thing is, we need a reason to care about these people, to tune in, and you're not giving us that. Skip making so and so the "villain," or the "victim," or whatever, and just show the damn footage. It's a lot more interesting that way.


©2006