"Tiffany": The Review!

True story: I have both Tiffany albums in my iPod. And by both, I mean, the two that I know of -- "Tiffany" and "Hold An Old Friend's Hand." Tiffany holds the ultimate key to my heart, as she sang dramatic girl music when I was in junior high. She was the Brenda Walsh to Debbie Gibson's Kelly Taylor. When you needed your music a little edgier, Tiffany was there.

But how does her debut album hold up in 2006, now that I am old and wise? Let's find out!


1. Should've Been Me

THEN: Oh man, did I ever feel this song when I was in jr. high! No boys liked me. So while I could not relate to the "breakup" aspect of the song, I totally empathized with the jealousy factor. There was one girl who EVERY guy liked, but I'm sure that's more relevant to another song...

NOW: Wow. There are horns. And what sounds like...a slide whistle? The '80s were INTENSE.

GRADE: B


2. Danny

THEN: My FAVORITE song. So sexy. I was a very innocent girl, but I really thought I could understand how hard it is to stop when you're all caught up in passion. With DANNY.

NOW: Hmmm. Well, points for the thunder, for sure! The part right before the chorus still gives me chills, but I can't say that this makes me feel all sexy anymore. But maybe that's 'cause I'm sitting at my desk.

GRADE: B-


3. Spanish Eyes

THEN: I hated this song. I never believed "sultry" Tiffany. Jealous Tiffany, sure. Sad Tiffany? Absolutely! Anxious Tiffany? I'm there. But I don't buy this at all. And it's horribly repetitive, and sounds like it was recorded on a Casio. Like, more than usual. And with no awesome thunder like "Danny," or wacked out craziness like "Should've Been Me."

NOW: Same.

GRADE: F


4. Feelings of Forever

THEN: Oh my. I LOVVVVVED this song. I've always been ridiculously sentimental/nostalgic, and really liked the whole idea of a perfect moment that you never wanted to end.

NOW: I still really like it! The bells and whistles are very dated and unnecessary, but what are you gonna do, I mean, it WAS the eighties. I'd really like to hear this song re-done, more simply. The vocals are really cool. And this is what Tiffany did best, I think -- wistful belting.

GRADE: A-


5. Kid On a Corner

THEN: I hated this song. Even in my hard-banged, multi-colored eyeshadowed naivete, I knew Tiffany WAS a kid. The corner was up for debate, but this song confused me. Like, was she with someone mad old? Then it would make sense, but would still be creepy. Whatever.

NOW: Even dumber. But the "all this time" leading into the chorus is still nice. 'Cause she's wistfully belting.

GRADE: D


6. I Saw Him Standing There

THEN: I am prejudiced. This song helped me win 3rd place in a karaoke contest. I got beer steins! When I was 16! But I did really like it. Although the video was the dumbest thing ever.

NOW: It's fun. And I think because it's a Beatles cover, it actually sounds a little more like "music," relatively speaking. And whoa, some Jerry Lee Lewis piano sliding stuff is going on! But I must say, she kind of sounds like she's singing with her mouth full?

GRADE: B


7. Johnny's Got the Inside Moves

THEN: I don't think I need to give you more than the title to let you know that this is the stupidest song ever made.

NOW: Yeahhh...

GRADE: F


8. Promises Made

THEN: I remember loving this. It was highly dramatic. Promises made! Promises broken!

NOW: Yeah, not so much. Wait, did I really love this song? 'Cause it's really boring.

GRADE: C-


9. I Think We're Alone Now

THEN: Of course I loved this song! But I never listened to it in front of my parents. (Because it was about sex.)

NOW: This song rules! And it's one where the '80s ridiculousness serves the song, I think. But the line, "Look at the wayyyyy we got our eye on what we're doing," I always took very literally. And still do. And it reminds me of that scene in "Felicity" where she goes to have sex with Noel, and "keeps her eye on the ball" and is all hilariously creepy, like are they STARING at themselves having sex? Confusing.

GRADE: A


10. Could've Been

THEN: I loved this song. One day in 8th grade, Shannon wrote out all the lyrics in our club notebook. It was that meaningful.

NOW: I don't care what anyone says -- this is a gorgeous song. With or without jr. high heartbreak. The line, "Every time I get my hopes up, they always seem to fall" is one of my All-Time Favorite Song Moments.

GRADE: A+



©2006

How Not To Get Laid: A Scene From 2004

The Setup: Me falling asleep on one couch, at a friend's. Guy who lost me at "I only listen to jam bands" on the other.

Silence.

Guy: Do you want to come over here?

Me: No.

Guy: ...

Me:...

Guy: I don't want to have sex, I just want to cuddle.

Me: (!!!)

Me: That's okay.

Me: (trying not to laugh)

Not one minute later: Guy leaves house.

Life Lessons Of The Week

1. The stress of party planning is a fair and decent excuse for verbally abusing a cashier.

2. If you are driving home, and you think that a tree is a Ferris wheel, you should maybe take that as a sign to go to sleep instead of talking on AIM until two in the morning.

3. People who say "Anyhoo" are always either totally awesome, or the most annoying people in the world.

4. Limbo kits are a cool idea in theory, but in practicality not so much, if you have to overcome your boob handicap by utilizing your straddle split skills, because there is no room in which to do it, and you will not win the contest for the first time ever.

5. Having hips 10 inches bigger than your waist does not mean that you will be any good at the hula-hoop.

6. Listening to Lewis Black while in a tanning bed can make you look like a lunatic, as you will laugh and laugh from your little chamber of solitude.

7. Despite the fact that they are sitting under the sun itself, with no shade in sight, for four hours in the middle of the day with no sunscreen, people will be *surprised* when they get sunburned.

8. People might talk all week about playing board games, but no board games will be played.

9. You will never stop getting bitter that no one plays board games even when they say they will.

10. When someone begins an anecdote with "It's interesting," you can be sure that it will be exactly the opposite. (Please see also: "It's funny" and "You're gonna love this").


©2006

The Runaway Groom

Have I ever mentioned the fact that I spent the first six years of my life living in a one-bedroom apartment? Amazing, the circle of life. But anyway, I was a "happy surprise" or probably just a "surprise," since my parents were both working at Howard Johnson's and my dad was going to law school at night during this time. Needless to say, we weren't exactly rolling in dough during my formative years.

And my apartment building wasn't very chock full of kids. I know I knew people, because there were people around that day I was BAREFOOT outside in the parking lot and cut my foot on a broken beer bottle, and there were definitely people around who bought my drawings that I was inexplicably allowed to hang all around the lobby, where I would set up shop for the day, and now that I think about it more, where the hell were my parents? This is why, I guess, I don't understand when people express surprise that I go jogging at 1am or walk around San Juan at night by myself. I've had my share of REALLY bad luck over the years, but knock on wood, I've never felt unsafe in that regard, probably 'cause I've always done things like...hang out in the basement laundry room by myself so I could play on the elevators.

I think I need to have a talk with my parents the next time I see them.

But anyway, I did have friends, but it was always in that Anne of Green Gables kind of way. It was awhile before I found any, and once I did, books had destroyed me for regular children. I mean, sure, you can decide that someone is your bosom friend, but at the end of the day, she really might turn out to be kind of a dumbbell who, raven-black locks notwithstanding, pukes currant wine all over the place and gets you banned from seeing her until you save her sister's life in the middle of a snowstorm, you know what I'm saying?

One issue was that I learned about friendships and "kids" through my voracious appetite for reading. We were poor, but there were always, ALWAYS books around. I read Little Women when I was four, and all I'm saying is that while reading is a good thing, maybe 19th century young (little) women weren't the most realistic models for what I could expect when I finally started school.

However. I did have one true, dear friend who was the best. His name was Skyzel, and he was my partner in crime, my confidante, my true love. He rocked.

He was also imaginary.

Now, let's make it clear that I was aware of this fact. I wasn't John Nash-ing it up out in Hempstead; I just had a very vivid imagination, and seriously, I had like, NOTHING to say to people my age. Sure, I could sleep over the superintendent's daughter's apartment, but we didnt have much in common. Plus, I was mad jealous, seeing as not only did she have a room, but it was pink, AND she had a canopy bed!!! But once that novelty wore off, there wasn't much left to discuss, although I think we played Hide and Seek in the basement a few times, and again, seriously, what, was I living a Peanuts strip, I mean, where were the adults?!

But back to Skyzel. As time went by, we both realized that we had to take the next step and get married. Obviously.

It was all planned. We were to wed in my parents' room on a Saturday afternoon. I was filled with joy. I had my outfit all planned, and it was lovely. I dressed, and waited for Skyzel to meet me at the altar.

Awhile later, my mother came into her room, and found me there. She didn't know why I was wearing the pink lace gown I'd worn to be my aunt's flower girl months before. She didn't know why I had an orange towel draped over my head. (Duh, it was my beautiful veil!) She certainly didn't know why I was having a meltdown in said getup.

"Skyzel...doesn't want...to marry meeeeeee," I sobbed.

Now, on the one hand, you have the question of why my mother wasnt invited to the wedding of her only child. Probably it was just in keeping by the "Saved by the Bell," no parents allowed lifestyle we seemed to have over there on Front Street. But regardless, I think we have a bigger question here, which would be, whose imaginary friend ditches her at the altar??? I mean, it wasn't just a matter of canceling caterers; I was all set to go, and that damn Skyzel pulled a full-on Julia Roberts on my ass!

We didn't speak again, Skyzel and I. Our relationship had been irreparably damaged. It was sad, but necessary. How could I ever trust him again, you know?

I did eventually move on. Got some real live friends, even some more with canopy beds. I even got a bed of my very own -- bunk beds, HOLLA! I also went on to stage more weddings for others, like that one time the whole neighborhood showed for Robb's marriage to my doll, Pretty Curls, whom my mother later threw out -- NICE.

And well, I can't say that we all lived happily ever after, cause my unlucky streak with weddings sort of didn't...not continue, but you know, I also failed my driver's license test twice! "Third time's the charm, they say," Shannon reminded me before my third test. She was mocking me, but she was right! So, maybe one day. Although, when and if the time comes, I'm totally gonna wear an orange veil with a pink dress again, because seriously, how rock and roll is THAT!




Aftermath: You always need a girls' night out.






©2006

Jessica Simpson moments, and a birth!

As I Wandered About The Office -- 10 Thoughts

1) Owww, my hip hurts.

2) I should write a blog about it, and call it "Hip, Hip, Hooray!"

3) Hee!

4) Oh, no, I can't -- my last blog was called "Hip-HOP Hooray?"

5) What a coincidence.

6) Wait.

7) Wait.

8) Was Naughty by Nature playing off of the expression "Hip, Hip, Hooray??????"

9) . . .

10) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.



And, in other news!


Fiona Apple and Moira Kelly had a baby together! They're calling her "Regina Spektor."






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Congratulations, guys!!!