12 Hours*

*Or, How A Night Of Drinking Became A Film Festival**

**Without The Film***

***Mostly


6-8:30pm – The Fish Out Of Water Tale
Babz and Judi reluctantly go to Mirage to bid a coworker farewell. Sit back and enjoy the wackiness as two girls accustomed to beer, jeans, and inexpensive tabs get thrown into a world of VIP sections, hair gel, and oonst-oonst music!


INTERMISSION


10-10:30pm – The Independent Film
Babz and Judi sit in Stingers and disuss life's minutiae. They enjoy the company of bartenders and friends, Kevin, Billy, and Jamie. A beer here, a shot there, and good conversation, all set to a killer soundtrack, of course.


10:30-11:30pm – The Sure-To-Age-Awkwardly Technologically Hip Movie
Babz and Judi make calls on their cell phones! They text people! People text back! Bonnie might be coming but she left her wallet at home! Text her back, quick, Babz! You can lend her money from one of those ATM machines!


11:30pm-12am – The Tearjerker
Watch as Judi makes Bonnie cry within the first five minutes of her arrival!


12-1am – The Chick Flick
Megan completes this quirky cast of four girls bonding, laughing, and making memories. The girls’ friendship is tested when Hat Girl pisses off Bonnie, but in the end, they overcome their differences through the power of estrogen and beer.


1-1:30am – The Foreign Arthouse Film
In an ambitious departure from type, Judi becomes a British lesbian! For what better way to get rid of the annoying guy at the bar than by liking girls and having a European accent!


1:30-2:30am – The Self-Indulgent Vanity Project
This plotless piece goes on for too long and features mostly tedious conversations and uninspired character studies.


2:30-3am – The Musical
The highlight of this show features Megan in a career-making dance number, as a down-and-out Army girl who triumphs over adversity through cartwheels and dazzling spins!


3-4am – The Exploitation Flick
Babz starts fights in the bathroom, and Bonnie becomes a good-girl-gone-bad when the bartenders ply her with shots. Judi is miscast as a girl who just sits there and tells Bonnie how awesome she is.


4-4:30am – The Documentary
Whimsical fun as Kevin and Bonnie take turns behind the camera to document the evening.


4:30-5am – Film Noir
Kevin and Jamie engage in performance art, affixing drink stirrers to their bodies. Dim lighting, smoky air, and Cure songs complete the feel of this experiment in surrealism.


5-6am – The Summer Blockbuster
Action packed and fast paced, this movie’s got it all! Everyone wants to drive Babz home, but she’s got other plans! Don’t miss the non-stop thrills as our heroine outwits her captors, evading them at every turn. She’s not one, but two steps ahead at any given moment – escaping via the bathroom, even sacrificing her own cell phone to dodge the high-speed car chase at the climax! This film will have audiences glued to their seats, right up through the unexpected twist ending that will have everyone talking!


©2005

Enough!

I am hereby imposing a moratorium on the whole goddess thing, because I've officially had enough. Is there a company out there that has not yet named a product Goddess, or revolved an ad campaign around being a goddess? Nike is the latest culprit, and I have to see their silly ads every time I sign into Myspace (which is a LOT). So tired of it.

First of all, at this point, it lacks imagination. Are companies sitting around going, "Well, we didnt think to have cavemen who eat roast duck or a guy pulling physics-defying picture frames off of his neck -- goddess, it is!" Because it sure seems that way.

Second, I think it is pretty ironic to use empowering words in order to sell women more girly crap they dont need. Dont get me wrong -- I LOVE girly crap I dont need! But please. I expect companies to hyperbolize in order to get me to buy their stuff, but try to stay on topic, advertisers. I dont mind Halle Berry's telling me that I can have Fabulashes if I buy Revlon. I was okay when Clairol implied that I'd be screaming in the shower if I used their shampoo. Wait, scratch that. Those were the most obnoxious commercials ever. Bad example.

But my point is, I don't mind that advertising is shallow and full of empty promises. I saw "Picture Perfect;" I know the deal. What bothers me is when advertisers try to be something they're not -- meaningful. They are sending a message that they think reads as, "Women are the bestest people in the whole wide world," but comes across as sort of lazy and cynical -- "We know your self esteem is sagging, so here you go, have some razors." Cause I guess once we have hairless legs, we'll be all ready to be worshipped. Or something.

And that is my biggest problem with the endless goddess campaigns and products. I get the idea in theory, that we women are supposed to feel good about ourselves, and treat ourselves with respect, and I do appreciate the sentiment if it's ever genuine, but there's something about the word "goddess." I don't know about you, but I have enough issues without thinking that every time I look in the mirror, I am face to face with a deity. Is that really as good it gets? Me? Because I would really hate to think that the best life had to offer was me in Nike sneakers and Avon perfume.

But if all of my arguments and pleas are not enough to stop the goddess madness, there is one thing that I truly believe should be a very clear message to advertisers to cease and desist. And that one thing is Fantasy by Britney Spears. The commercial. I dont know that Ive ever been more horrified by anything in my entire life, and I watched every episode of 'Jack and Jill." I mean, "once upon a time, there was a goddess and a hunter"? WHAT??? Even if Id been on the goddess train...orchariot...beforehand, the thought of being hunted by a Kevin Federline wannabe whilst flitting about a forest in my bare feet (natch) would most certainly send me right off of it. Because...ew.

So there you go, advertisers. My arguments basically boil down to "Yawn," "WTF," and "Ew," but I'd really appreciate it if you could find a different well to frequent for a while. Perhaps you just need a little pick-me-up to get the imaginative juices flowing. Maybe you should chug some Red Bull. I hear it gives you wings.

©2005

Awesome Quotes For A Gloomy Day

"One must never forget when misfortunes come that it is quite possible they are saving one from something much worse...."

"If youre going through hell, keep going."
~ Winston Churchill


"We can do no great things, only small things with great love."
~ Mother Teresa


"To forgive is an act of compassion...It's not done because people deserve it...It's done because they need it."
~ Giles


"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'."
~ Andy


"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
~ Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)


"The great thing about life, I've found, is that although it's not a movie, a lot of times it looks just like one. There's a leading man on the way. In the meantime, just keep hitting your marks."
~ Sars


"Don't judge the day by what you reap, but by the seeds you sow."
~ Robert Louis Stevenson


"An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness."
~ Margaret Atwood


"You don't have to be cool to be happy. You don't have to be pretty to be happy...you don't have to be married or with someone to be happy, either. You just have to find some good books and some good snacks and some people you like, and one of those people should be yourself."
~ Jersey Girl


"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope."
~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.


©2005

Random Thoughts While Watching "Lost" Without Seeing The Last 5 Episodes

1. Jack shaved? They still have razors?

2. Damn, if Sawyer didn't get even more beautiful.

3. Where's Charlie?

4. How did they get a sewer on the island? Am I accidentally watching "Angel?"

5. Wow, I totally dreamed about this dirt hole. If someone lights a gasoline fire, my mind will be blown. Oh! Heh.

6. I love Locke.

7. Oh my God, do I love Locke.

8. I love Old Locke and New Locke.

9. Hi, Peg! "Helen?" But I thought...never mind.

10. Awww, Locke is crying! Me too!

11. Where is Charlie???

12. Is that Tom Everett Scott in an Olive Garden commercial?

13. No, it's the little kid from "Big" and "Living Dolls."

14. But wait, he had more freckles.

15. Ohhh, it's Marty from "Gilmore Girls." I miss you, Marty!

16. Now they have movies on the island? Is this gonna be like "Survivor," where each season gets more luxurious? Is Home Depot gonna stop by and build them a ski lodge?

17. Katie Sagal looks damn good.

18. Oh my God.
Sawyer: We're about to be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Me: (Shivers)

19. I am pretty sure I dated Locke's dad. Like, several times.

20. Hi, Hurley! Hi, Sayid! Do you know where Charlie is?

21. Well, hello, pantry of food! Welcome to Season Two, where--never mind, Sawyer's back.

22. Man, I hate that Jack is such a prick, but it's almost worth it to see the awesome Matthew Fox have his Fleeting Moments of Vulnerability.

23. Aww, Jack and Locke = Jack and His Dad: A New Hope.

24. OMG, HI CHARLIE IN THE PREVIEWS!!! Glad you're not dead!

25. Jin's speaking English...WTF!

26. Whoever has had Disc 6 of "Lost" out of Blockbuster for the past two weeks, RETURN IT RIGHT NOW!

©2005