But First, I Need Some Bread

So all of a sudden, it hit me – I really, really want a Hello, Kitty toaster. It should have been obvious, I suppose. I love Hello, Kitty and all things pink, but I'm not looking to go all Anna Nicole Smith with my apartment. However, I do not actually own a toaster. I have never owned a toaster.

Perhaps this stems from fear. When I was 17, I set a Pop-Tart fire while babysitting two infants, and that was fairly traumatizing. I did use toasters in my parents' house, although my OCD with making sure it was unplugged and not setting new, invisible fires was fairly debilitating.

I do own, listed in no particular order, the following: a Foreman grill, a waffle iron, an ice cream maker, a fondue maker, and at one point before they went missing, a s’mores maker, a skillet, and a wok. How many of these have I used? Three. I’ll let you triviamongers out there figure out which ones. Try not to flood my inbox, ‘kay?

So given my penchant for kitchen appliance collecting, it’s kind of silly that I don’t own a toaster. I mean, the appliances I just listed could easily band together to set a fire in the middle of the night. They might resent my checking the oven knobs 1,237 times before I go to bed, and think, “Hey! We are just as bad-ass as your oven!” And all hell would break loose. Maybe if I got a toaster, it could kind of be the quiet leader of all the minor appliances, and keep them calm and in good spirits, like Hurley on “Lost.”

And who’s kidding whom? I might actually use a toaster more than say, a waffle iron, ‘cause Lord knows it doesn’t look like I’ll ever be cooking breakfast for anyone else again. Plus, if I ever get it together long enough to buy the scary, dark-brown German bread from ShopRite, I could use a toaster to prepare a nutrient-rich snack, and what’s not good about that?

So I think I’m going to do it – get a toaster. And as long as I genuinely need a toaster, why not speed up the inevitable anthropomorphization of said toaster by purchasing one that has a cat on it? Solid plan, if I do say so myself!

~ THE END ~

P.S. If you read this entire thing, you’re awesome.

P.P.S. If you read this entire thing, and connected with it to some degree, please email me, because I want to be your friend and/or marry you.

P.P.S. Yes, I learned the word “anthropomorphize” from Calvin and Hobbes.


©2005

Sniff.

So, okay, am I missing something with this whole Kate Moss/cocaine thing? In case you haven't heard, I believe the deal is that someone got a picture of her sniffing coke. Now H&M and a few other companies who were using Moss have dropped her, and apparently it might be hard for her to get future work.

Huh? Now don't get me wrong. I can't stand coke. I've never done it myself, but I hate what it does to people, making them mean and shady and moody. I'm not advocating cocaine use. But – huh?? What is the big deal here, exactly? Because on the news last night, there was this definite tone of shock and judgment towards this *terribly damaging* photographic evidence. And I don't get it. Why is anyone so surprised that someone famous – particularly a model – did/does cocaine? Doesn't that like, come with the territory? Or am I basing too much of my model world knowledge on the movie “Gia?”

And even if it doesn't come with the territory, why is it that Robert Downey Jr. can be constantly cracked out of his mind, but the second he's sober for five minutes, studios are banging down his door to work with him? Colin Farrell, at least before his child, can be on a perpetual bender, but ha ha, what a funny Irishman, he so crazy! Let’s cast him! Matthew McConaughey gets arrested playing bongos naked while high as a kite, and makes no apologies, and he still gets work.

Well, okay, the pot-induced musical nudity is definitely kind of awesome. But my point is, why is Kate Moss in such big trouble? It seems completely hypocritical and sort of ironic in a meta kind of way. It used to be, back in the late ‘80s into the early ‘90s, that there were your regular people, then the thin supermodels – Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, et al. Cindy Crawford was wearing a size 6 in ‘92 when her first workout video came out.

Then came Calvin Klein with his “Boobs? What're those?” starving-children-aren't-they-sexy campaign, and that became model skinny, while people like Cindy Crawford became “healthy sized models.” And the poster child for that grungy, bony “new” look was…Kate Moss! Since then, skeletal became the new thin; thin with a curve here or there became “refreshing,” and regular bodies became even more undesirable than before.

And the NAME of this modeling revolution? Heroin chic. Heroin chic. Heroin = chic! Heroin = drugs = chic = tons and tons of money for Calvin Klein, for everyone who cashed in on this new look, company after company who hopped on this sketchy and controversial bandwagon in order to cash in on the profits derived from setting an even more unattainable standard of “beauty.”

But now, the same media are horrified and appalled that Kate Moss did a line of coke? Give me a freaking break. It’s a bit hysterical at best, and completely disingenuous at worst, for companies to be shocked that a model who, considered way past her prime at the ripe old age of 31, is doing a drug that enables her keep up in a world that they used her to help create. Cocaine helps people get and stay ridiculously skinny. It helps people work insane hours. It helps people not to wither in the spotlight while upholding a fun, party image that companies are willing to profit from, but not take any responsibility for.

So shut up, H&M. Shut up, WB11 News At Ten. Shut up, everyone who has a clear picture in his or her mind of what a woman should look like, but doesn’t want to see how how the filet mignon gets from the cow to the plate, if you know what I mean. I don’t think that Kate Moss is a victim here, but I think that maybe people should be worrying a little bit less about whether celebrities they'll never meet are doing drugs, and a little more about why exactly it enrages them so.

©2005

Thoughts While Watching "Frasier" Instead Of Going To Sleep

1) I'm no Freud fan, but I doubt that he would ever use "impact" as a verb.

2) Frasier is especially annoying in this episode. I could see his beef with guests' not taking the party seriously, but they have! They just didn't exactly do what he was looking for. Geez, Frasier.

3) I love John Mahoney, and even though Martin is fictional, I love how happy Niles's dressing up as him made him. (And no, Freud wouldn't write that grammatically meandering sentence either, but whatever.) And Niles's speech-as-Marty was beautiful and touching.

4) How could anyone not respect a Wonder Woman costume? That is one of my goals, to be hot enough to rock a full-fledged Wonder Woman costume (no cape!). It will happen...next Halloween! I'm making a pledge. 2006 -- superhero fix! Ima dye my hair black and everything! Or be rich enough to afford a kick-ass wig. Win-win scenario!

5) Alexis Bledel just will not stop getting prettier. Yes, that's from a commercial, and yes, I've said it before, but it cannot be said enough. You go with your crazy beauty, Alexis. Now, SHE could rock a Wonder Woman costume tomorrow.

6) Do any boys have bowl haircuts outside of TV?

7) I used to find Frasier nerdily endearing, but after knowing and sometimes dating men as self-absorbed and self-humorless as him, I now just want to smack him and get him to enjoy life a little.

8) Niles should drink beer more often.

9) Good on you, Frasier -- you should say "I'm terribly sorry" more often. And you should also drink more beer.

10) Damn, John Mahoney rocks my world.

11) Six beers, Niles? SIX BEERS, and you are having drunken moments of shame? That's pathetic. And also confusing, because don't you always drink sherry and wine and brandy and all that? I can't date you.

12) How late are kids allowed to trick-or-treat in Seattle?

12:30) I love cats, but I could be totally into having a dog if he was as awesome as Eddie.

1 am) Yay, another Frasier! I love the new WB nighttime lineup! Now just switch "Everybody Loves Raymond" with "Friends," and we'll be all set.


©2005

Life Lessons From Television Reruns (And One Early Arrival!)

1. If you're going to tattoo blueprints all over your torso in order to break your brother out of prison, you probably shouldn't walk around all nonchalant with no shirt on, no matter how hard you've been working out, because then your schizophrenic cellmate with bipolar tendencies might try to take your top off when it's dark outside.

2. You can go crazy and bald and blow up your entire apartment complex, and Jack Wagner will still love you.

3. It is okay for your boyfriend to have a fugue-fueled emotional affair with his exgirlfriend, and as long as he only goes to second base with her after making you cry, you are wrong to sleep with the sexy art student who is nice to you.

4. Nothing says "I love you" like a good Texas Hold 'Em reference.

5. You can throw a dodgeball really hard at your best friend, and sexually attack your other best friend, but as long as you are a hyena at the time, it's all good and they will forgive you.

6. If your boyfriend whom you love, and who deflowered you at the Spring Dance, happens to fall in love with your best friend while you are in France eating brains and hooking up with Superman, then you are obligated to forgive both of them, because you have brown hair.

7. Want to get laid? Throw a temper tantrum!

8. If you are experiencing a lull in your marital relations, have an affair with a clown. Then, when your husband catches you and kills the clown out of jealousy, keep the costume. Be sure there is a bitter mime around to frame.

9. Not only can heroin save you from dying in a plane crash, but it also transforms into beautiful moths when thrown into a fire.

10. If you are in love with someone, but he is a commitmentphobe and you would like some indication that your destiny is with each other, throw a Filet o' Fish at his head.

©2005