The O.C.

Things I Don't
Ever Want To See Again
On "The O.C."

1. Bands playing at The Bait Shop. To my knowledge, the only show that's ever pulled off the live music thing is "Buffy," and I think that had a lot to do with the spaciousness of the Bronze. Oh, and the fact that it was there from episode one, and therefore felt organic and not, you know, desperate and lazy. "O.C." people, we know you have cool taste in music. Show a little restraint.

2. Those awful things you keep putting on Marissa's legs. Are they shorts? Are they pants? Are they...WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY?! Never mind. They're ugly, is what matters. No more, please.

3. A crystal egg floating in slow motion. Especially not twice in one episode. That was mad stupid.

4. Trips. Okay, you know how a couple of weeks ago, Sandy asked Ryan if he'd ever seen Mount Rushmore? I SURE DO HOPE that wasn't an indication that you're going to go all "Facts of Life in Paris" on us, "O.C." Because I really, really, really hate vacation episodes. Seriously, they always suck. Either there's no laugh track and it's strange, or there is a laugh track and its bizarre, because, is there a studio audience on the cruise ship of Jason Seaver's mother's wedding, or what? Well, I guess "The O.C." doesn't have a laugh track to begin with, but still. Vacation episodes are BORING. You have to spend time giving props to wherever you're at, and I just don't need to see half an ep of y'all going on and on about the beauty of South Dakota. And I certainly don't need some wacky subplot where Seth gets like, lost in George Washington's eye or something. So, please. Let this be a time that you flat out drop a plot point. I know you can do that.

5. Annoying Summer. I don't know what is up with her be such a moody bitch the past few episodes. Is it to make Marissa seem more likable? Seth? Because it's not working. It's just stressful to me, wondering why my favorite character can't just be cool. You dragged out the Zach/Summer/Seth triangle wayyyy longer than necessary. It's over. Stop trying to like, reverse it, or whatever you're doing with the sudden graphic novel drama. And while Im on the subject...

6. ...Any and all younger-people business meetings must stop right this second. I put up with the storyline of Caleb's developing on environmentally important land. I sat patiently through Newport Living meetings with the Rocketeer guy. Basically, as long as this show's been on, there have been tedious business subplots. But I deal! Because I really love the adult characters on this show, and they are all portrayed by fantastic actors. And every now and then, something slightly interesting comes out of those situations. Mostly, though, I am just glad that the adult characters are being fleshed out. They spend their days in the office, so carry on. But you know where your high school characters ostensibly spend their days??? IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!! When was the last time these people were even AT school? Why are we watching meetings with freaking Zach and the "Wet Hot American Summer" chick (although I like that actress) discuss this ridiculous contrived graphic novel after we already had to suffer through that other meeting where they stupidly stayed in that hotel room and just NO. No, no, NO! Bad "O.C.!" You have really old actors playing teenagers in high school in California, and that right there is a recipe for success. You have awesomeness at your fingertips and you are WASTING it. You know how 90210 was great when they were all in high school, but totally boring when all they did was continuously buy the Peach Pit After Dark from each other and go to Donna Martin's fashion shows? You know how "Buffy" was best when everyone was in high school instead of the Summers' living room? Yes. Well. PLEASE take the younger "O.C." set OUT of the freaking office and put them BACK in the damn classroom while you still can. Or the cafeteria/coffeeshop/arcade/whatever that place with the couches is. School. Now.

7. Sexual tension between Ryan and Marissa. Guys. Seriously. For real, now. I am not sure I have ever seen a couple on TV with less chemistry. The only thing those two ever had bonding them together was the opposite side of the tracks thing, and Ryan's desperate need to save the emotional black hole that is Marissa. And you know, fine. I can get down with that. I cried when they danced to Jem's "Amazed." Unhealthy, codependent relationships set to good music make for good television! But this whole now they've both grown and can't escape The Destiny That Is Each Other? Noooo. Because what the hell, anyway? Marissa? What is the deal? Is she an alcoholic, rebellious bitch who throws furniture into the pool and sleeps with short gardeners? Is she a party girl lesbian? Those are the two personalities shes had so far this season, "O.C." You can't just all of a sudden decide that she's now the demure ingenue who drinks water at parties and buys people apartments out of the goodness of her heart. It's very implausible and also quite irritating. But if you just can't stop yourselves from getting Ryan and Marissa back together, then get it over with, please. No more will they or wont they interrupted-kiss scenes. My stomach can't take it.

8. Self-referential meta nonsense, including, but not limited to, "The Valley." I know this one might be too much to ask for. I'd imagine that going cold turkey on the inside jokes might be too much for y'all to handle. But can you dial it down just a tad? Especially the everything was better last year sledgehammer? How 'bout -- and this is just an idea -- you actually make it better, instead of just talking about how it used to be better? Because, you know. It was. And you're only in your second season. Geez.




Things That I Would Happy To See More Of On "The O.C."

1. Julie Cooper singing hair metal band songs while drunk.

2. For that matter, Julie Cooper doing anything. I love her.

3. Alex. The only excuse a show would have for such an abrupt sendoff as the one you gave Alex is if the actor had to go to rehab or something. Alex ruled! Once she took her hair out of that "Rollerball" ponytail and got a personality, she was awesome, and Olivia Wilde had great chemistry with everyone.

4. Cool clothes. I havent felt compelled to visit Reel-Style in a while, people. Lets get it together.

5. Luke! I love Luke! Im pretty sure Chris Carmack is done filming his "Smallville" episode. Bring him back to "The O.C.!"

6. Danny, the loud Leno lover from "The Rivals." I wouldn't want him around all the time, but in small doses, he'd be good. You know, you're allowed to have a tertiary character that exists as more than just an obstacle to the Great Romances of the major characters.

7. Sandy and Kirsten happy together for more than half an episode. Seriously, couldn't you have spaced out the Kim Delaney/Rocketeer guy storylines by like, a TINY BIT? Or you know. Not had them to begin with.

8. Any of the other seemingly forgotten characters, e.g., Jimmy Cooper, Nana, Theresa, Anna, Hailey...Have them send a telegram or something. That would be awesome.

©2005