Coke Caps Part Two: The Website of Doom

So it's been awhile now, since I wrote to Hank, begging for a MyThirst ID. And enough time had passed that I felt I should give it another go.

This time there will be no games. No lies -- this time I will not pretend to have been born on February 29th in a leap year that didn't exist.

My birthdate? August 31, 1975 (Same (day) as Van Morrison, Chris Tucker, Debbie Gibson, and Brian! Hi, Brian!).

My email address? Okay, I will just put it out there. No hiding behind the comfort of my various Yahoo!® accounts. I, Hank, am Thea4ever@aol.com, and have been for ten years now.

Why, yes I AM a U.S. citizen! I've been places, though, and am cultured and stuff. I went jogging in a town square in Germany by myself at one in the morning, in my HOT '91 exercise outfit that consisted of shiny black spandex biker shorts and a fluorescent pink bathingsuit. No, I'm totally serious. Also, most likely, a jogging bra or two. And anyway, I really don't think anything of going jogging in the middle of the night, not even in Germany, and so but yeah, the German cops were all, "Flittendee bok bok grr das a vee bock!" And I am all, "Nieche Deutsche (sp?)!" And long story short(er), I guess they didn't want it on their consciences that a dumb American girl was murdered on their watch only two months shy of her Sweet 16. So I had to go back to my hotel room.

Okay, well I'm doing that thing where I chatter on to avoid being vulnerable. It's why I sometimes get a little offended by people who unequivocally despise Lorelai Gilmore.

As I was saying...let's move on to the next page!

Name? Judith Posch. Gender? Female. It's true. Email address? Well, I did just tell you, but I understand if you're feeling a bit needy at this time, given my dishonesty in the past. I was never 47 years old, or 11 3/4 years old, if you are to believe the false leap year. So yes, I'll say it again: Thea4ever@aol.com.

Password? To paraphrase Tom Hanks in "Saving Private Ryan," because I can't get the exact quote, since Google® and I are apparently in a fight, "That's just for me." And Hank, of course.

Also just between Hank and me is my address, because I am not as stupid as I used to be regarding Internet safety. Sorry, Shannon!

Next question. Would I like to use my phone to enter my codes? No. No, I definitely would not like to do that.

Now I am signing my life away, by clicking that I -- check! -- agree to sell my soul to Coca-Cola® in order to win possibly a trip to someplace where I promise not to jog at night! But more likely, will be for a liter of Coke! Which is very very annoying, because it's like, impossible to redeem, and when you do, the cashiers totally hate you! I know, because I was one of those cashiers! Seriously, my conflicting emotions right now are enough for like, a whole night on the WB (RIP)!

Now, I am being asked which type of Coke I prefer: Diet Coke, Coca-Cola, or Coke Zero? First of all, can I just say that Coke Zero is like the opposite of Crystal Pepsi (RIP, say hi to the WB for me!). See the thing is that Crystal Pepsi was actually kind of pretty disgusting. But no one talks about that. It's like the friend that everyone hates and phases out, but once he's gone, you wax nostalgic about him. Because see, Crystal Pepsi was beautiful. It was all image, but such a lovely image. Of Sammy Hagar-era Van Halen singing about RIGHT NOW -- don't wait for tomorrow! Crystal Pepsi was all about believing that YOU could dive into that C/crystal-clear pool and be renewed. Even though it really wasn't very good. Crystal Pepsi was the Mischa Barton of sodas!

Wait, what? Oh, right, Coke Zero is like the opposite of Crystal Pepsi, because it is all dark and scary, and looks like a poster for a horror movie that will be either really terrible or really awesome. I don't want to be afraid while drinking an ostensibly refreshing beverage. But you know, I really haven't tried Coke Zero that I remember. Maybe I should give it a chance. Maybe Coke Zero is the Rachel Bilson of Crystal Pepsi! After all, Crystal Pepsi died WAY before Coke Zero!

Okay. I obviously can't click Coke Zero, and I DO love Diet Coke, but really try hard not to drink it since the summer of '89 when, in addition to having the worst hair of my entire life, I was heavily addicted to Diet Coke. So I will click regular Coke.

"Would you like to sign up and receive information on special offers, sweepstakes, new products and other great information from MyCokeRewards?" Definitely not. Although it's kind of sweet, the optimism with which Coke clicks "Yes" for you at first.

"Would you like to receive emails from The Coca-Cola Company about other brands, new products or promotions?" Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there, Coke! Let's just get through this together, and worry about what the future holds for us later on.

"*Periodically, we will send you emails and/or mobile communications about MyCokeRewards. What is your preferred language?" Well, okay, then, I guess all of that polite stuff above was just a formality. It's very much like how I've been strong-arming my guests at work into buying add-ons, just so that I can win a contest to go drink beer for free during the day. So I will click English, because as fun as it might be in theory to receive text messages and emails in Spanish? Well, I think we've all learned our lesson about that from drunken nights at the ATM.

Enter security code...I always hate these. I get total performance anxiety.

We're doing it -- oh my goodness, am I about to receive an elusive MyThirst ID?! I feel just like Dorothy when she finally meets the Wizard, and kind of can't help but expect Coke to have nothing in that black bag for me.

And sure enough. But not ONLY do I watch my MyThirst ID once again soar away in a figurative hot-air balloon, but like, you know how I just wrote out everything I did to get this far, and its length rivaled an Ayn Rand novel? Well, all of THAT led to THIS:




error

We apologize, an unexpected error has occurred. Please try again


So not ONLY do they unceremoniously reject me after making me bare my soul, but they can't even be bothered to put a period after "again?"

That's it. It is ON. I really have to go to bed at some point before the sun rises, but as soon as I can, Hank is getting a PIECE OF MY MIND!!!




©2007

Currant Wine > Raspberry Cordial

There are certain things that should be completely obvious, but for whatever reasons, I've never actually thought about. A perfect example of my ignorance on such matters occurred the other night. Javier and I were watching "Anne of Green Gables," and don't judge him; see, we've been trading movies. We take turns picking movies that we want to share with the other person, just because we really dig them, and/or because those movies are important to us.

So being the awesome boyfriend that he is, Javier was very graciously watching "Anne of Green Gables," because it seriously has been such a special movie to me for 20 years now. But anyway, at one point while watching, he looked at me, and went, "You really wish you lived in this time, don't you?"

I knew he wasn't mocking me when I turned to him, mouth agape (sorry, give me a few days to get the movie out of my system, and I'll probably refrain from saying "agape." And, most likely, "refrain."), and was like, "YES!" I had no idea! But it was so true! And he was all, "Awww, my hippie girlfriend!" Which is also basically true.

But seriously, how could I help it? You know how some people grew up in awesome musical households, and were the ones in high school who were so much cooler than (me) because they liked bands like Led Zeppelin and The Sex Pistols? Because that's what they grew up with? Well, I grew up with folk music on the record player, "Little House on the Prairie" on the television, and Little Women on the bookshelf, except not even the bookshelf, because I was always reading it! Anne of Green Gables simply cemented my love for all things late 1800s-early 1900s. And yes, I know that folk music is not from that time, but I mean...come on.

My secret, and previously undiscovered desire to live in this particular time could be boiled down to the following:

Farms and Horses and Stuff. I adore farms. Everything about them. The animals, the dirt. The smell of manure. I love haystacks, and rope swings from lofts. And I LOVE horses. I got thrown from a horse when I was 13, and it did nothing to deter me from riding again. I honestly think I could be happy living on a farm, so long as I didn't have to slaughter any animals. Maybe I could have a blackberry farm, since I totally see them as The Unsung Fruit, and want to play a part in staging their breakthrough into main society.

Costumes! I am a HUGE fan of costumes, in every way. I have dressed up for every single Halloween since I was four. One of my favorite things about doing extra work and regional theater was being able to painstakingly pick my own period costumes. I love uniforms, because I believe that if you are "dressed for the part," you do your part with much greater ease. So anyway, I love the late 1800s-early 1900s for clothing alone. I can totally deal with corsets if it means I get to wear bitchin' hats and freaking BUSTLES, I mean, come ON, now! That's great stuff! Especially because it's so awesome that in that time, bedtime was such a mysterious ritual. Getting into a nightgown, and taking down your (long, long) hair in front of the vanity, then brushing it with one of those fancy combs? Yay!

Schoolhouses. Dude, I want to go to a schoolhouse. I want to use a slate. I want someone to dip one of my braids in an inkwell. I'm not even kidding. Schoolhouses are AWESOME!

Quill Pens and Letter Writing. I love writing, and am sooo glad I get to type, and have email, but MAN, I still get mad nostalgic for the days when I'd write these epic letters to random pen pals that I'd met in various places of the country. One of whom, in fact, I met on a farm!

That pretty much covers it, as far as bullet points go, but honestly, thinking about the subject objectively, I don't actually want to go back in time. Because as beautiful as it sounds in so many ways, there's a lot of bad, too. For instance, I wouldn't want to live in a time without civil liberties, or where I couldn't vote. And now that I think about it, I sort of just totally ripped off an exchange between Buffy and Willow in "Halloween," but I didn't mean to. Don't sue me!

I guess that is sort of the rub of life, though. There was once an Onion article with the headline "Man Always Nostalgic for Four Years Ago," and it's so uncomfortably funny, because it really is easy to romanticize the past. To wish that you could go back, be younger, do things differently. But you really can't do that, because then you have to take the bad as well as the good. Those are the facts of life.

So I am grateful to Javier for highlighting my comfort level in this time period, because it made me think about why that comfort level exists to begin with. And I realize that as awesome as the aforementioned horses et al. are, what I love most about the "pioneer time" is that it reminds me of what it feels like to truly believe wholeheartedly that life is always worth it. "Little House," Little Women, Anne of Green Gables...those people had bad stuff happen! Mary went blind! Beth died! Anne's hair turned green! But the protagonists always kept fighting, because that's just what you did. And I think that's all it is, mainly. I want to believe that people still believe that beauty and goodness and truth should always be the things in life worth fighting for. No matter what century it is.




©2007

Well, That's Soda Disappointing!

I hate Coke® bottlecaps now. Remember back in the day, when you just had to open the bottle and look at the cap? Maybe not, because I am 50 years older than most of you, but you used to be able to just know by looking at the cap if you'd won a NEW bottle of Coke! (NOT New Coke!) Instant gratification and/or rejection! Free 2-liter bottle! Sorry, try again! Either way, you knew what you were getting. Now it's like:

K6745859337
R9857382385
D2389547645

And you're supposed to go to their site? And input the numbers? Which is doubly annoying, because I hate "input" as a verb.

These have been pissing me off for as long as I can remember. Well, not literally, or else my first paragraph would make no sense. But you know what I am saying. They've been around for too damn long, and much like the BC tray rule of present time, I yearned for their inevitable retreat into obscurity, to no avail.

So okay, fine. I've been told (in (usually) nicer ways) that sometimes I am a closed-minded beeyotch. Maybe that's the case here. Let's find out, then. Let's find out if technology has somehow managed to make the bottlecaps of today even more fun than the bottlecaps of yore.

What do I have to do first? I can barely read this thing! And I am the friend in the group who, maybe I can't hear a word you're saying from two feet away if, you know, there is a truck making some noise 25 miles in the distance, but dammit, I can read a street sign from 500 feet away in the middle of the night! So if I can barely read this thing, Coca-Cola® really should maybe reconsider their packaging.

Okay, so I can either enter my code at the website, TEXT them (WTF, no way, I learned my lesson the time in that one drunken moment of weakness when that warmhearted psychic on TV said she could answer just one question for me), and/OR call them at an 866 number.

And now, I think I really need to rethink my "career" "aspirations," because I am currently hardpressed to think of a more awesome job, material-wise, than talking to people all day who can't work a bottlecap.

Anyway, on to the site!

Ha ha, imagine after all my bitching, I win like, a boat? Or a mystery box! That would be awesome.

Okay, the site is actually less obnoxious than I'd expected. Sorry, I know that approximately 127 of my friends here are (awesome!) graphic designers, but I am glad that things got toned down there, because for awhile, it was like, "YOU WANT FLASH? I'LL SHOW YOU FLASH!!!" and most websites were just, crazy! And annoying! We seem to have found a happier balance, these days.

What! I have to register? That's bullshit, and also kind of creepy. I'm going to use Shannon's email address. Just kidding, Shannon! But I AM going to use my zack morris email. If the government wants to know what I am drinking, they are just going to have to muster up the effort to spy on my survey bulletins like everyone else!

Oh, well, look at this, you can ASK them, "Why register?" And -- geez -- check out their answer:

Why should you join MyCokeRewards? Because it's easy for you to get the rewards you want and deserve for drinking Coca-Cola brand products.

Equal parts amazing and horrifying. Of all the advertising tactics, the one I loathe most is pandering to this country's sense of merit-less personal entitlement. I mean, because you drink Coke, you DESERVE rewards? I never knew! Let's move on...

...to something that I really need to just copy and paste, because...wow:


Congratulations on joining this exciting new program from Coca-Cola. You're just a few steps away from earning rewards for drinking your favorite Coca-Cola products, like gift cards, electronics and trips. Just a few more steps and you'll be on your way.

Please enter your birthdate, email address and let us know if you are a resident of the United States. All fields are required.

Let's get started creating your MyThirst ID.


Heeee. A "MyThirst ID!"

Well. Okay. First of all, I decided to be really crafty and say that my birthdate was February 29, 1960, because that wasn't a real date. My brilliance knows no bounds. BUT, they caught me! Pretty sneaky, sis!

But they also told me my email address wasn't valid! Oh no! I guessed I hadn't signed on in awhile, so yahoo suspended my account. Finally, I put in (inputted, if you will) my Thea4ever address. What's a bunch more spam in that account? You got me, Coke®.

But that didn't work either! So basically, there is meat in my trifle and all of that work was for naught! I have no other choice but to send a concerned letter to the company.

I feel I should mention that in their unfailing ability to keep a finger on the pulse of what the people really want, Coca-Cola® has provided us with the one and only Hank, the virtual rep! He's "pretty helpful," according to those crazy Coke folks!



(Click.)

Hank is totally ready to spring into action!



Hank says...

"Hi, I'm Hank, your virtual assistant for MyCokeRewards!
If you have a question for me, type it in the box above and I'll try to come up with an answer for you."

Okay. "My email address is invalid, according to y'all."

He was not tripped up by the y'all, but he gave me a mealy-mouthed non-answer, much like the time I was working at Welcome Wagon, after months of hearing stupid "Yay, we're making so much money as a COMPANY, aren't you so proud! It's like, we're fishing and every single person here helps with getting more fish!" I'm not kidding. So during one meeting where I was particularly annoyed, I got my proletariat on and was all, "So when do we get to eat the fish?" and the VP with the nice suits had obviously not read that particular chapter in his Dale Carnegie books, and didn't really answer me at all. That's what Hank was like. So now I have to type the Coke folks an email.

What?!?! Okay, GET THIS. You have to enter all that same information just to contact Coke, and even more, because you have to put in your name! Whatever, I get to type an email. This will be fun. IF they accept my email address!

Here we go!


Dear Hank,

You can imagine my excitement when, upon purchasing some Coca-Cola, I realized that I was getting much more than just a liter of the most delicious beverage ever created! I was also getting a chance to win prizes! Really, just the soda is prize enough for me LOL but I really wanted to check out your website! So I did, and arrived at your site tremendously excited at the prospect of getting my very own MyThirst ID! I don't even have a library card LOL!

But imagine my terrible disappointment when my email address was not accepted. My email address is Thea4ever@aol.com. I've had it since 1997, when I chose the name based on the awesome Thea Vidale and her self-titled television vehicle starring a young Brandy Norwood. So I am positive that it is a valid email address.

If you could contact me regarding a way to acquire a MyThirst ID, I would really appreciate it. COKE RULES!

Love,
Judith Posch

W/B/V/S/A/D/G/C/D/I/O/K!


It went through! So I guess my email address is good enough for the gander, but not the goose. The goose with the golden egg, in this case, because now that I've seen the clip art stencil of a boat, I want to win a cruise!

I'll keep you guys posted as to whether Hank's a good guy who calls girls back or not. Keep your fingers crossed!

Blonde Moment #333

Step-by-Step Thought Process While Eating a Cheeseburger Cooked by Javier:

1. This is really good!

2. It reminds me of something...

3. But what?

4. WHAT DOES THIS TASTE LIKE!!!

5. Grr.

6. Oh! I know! It tastes like Hamburger Helper!

7. Yay!

8. I wonder how he got cheeseburgers to taste like Hamburger Helper!

9. You mean...Cheeseburger Hamburger Helper?

10. Touché.