From ingenue to construction worker in one short year

In Fourth Grade, We Hit The Jackpot,
In Fifth Grade, We Hit The...Hammer

Can I just tell you about the BULLSHIT that was my fifth grade play?

Okay, you know how it goes in elementary school as far as teacher selection goes. In case you don't, I'll let you know how Chatterton, my school in Merrick, worked. We had three different teachers for each grade, and classes were reshuffled each year. You could request a certain teacher, but it was mostly luck of the draw.

As fourth grade steadily approached, I was extremely ambivalent. There was no famously "nice" teacher like Mr. Klages in fifth grade. There was Mrs. Sullivan, and I knew I didn't want to get her. She seemed mean, but more importantly, she is the person who caught me the ONE time I went into the boys' bathroom. I was curious! Then humiliated. So she was out.

I don't remember who one of the teachers was, but the third was Mrs. Friedman. She was one of those "She's tough, but good" cases. This immediately made me wary, since I hated discipline and authority. On the other hand, I was smart, and thought that most of the other students at my school were kind of spoiled and therefore wimpy when it came to the book learnin'.

If it wasn't already a foregone conclusion that Mrs. Friedman was for me, given that one of the other teachers was unmemorable, and one had pulled me away from a urinal, what really made me edge towards the pro-Friedman side was the fact that she was famous for putting on great class plays. Seriously, I'd seen them, and they were good. She really got everything she could out of 9-year-olds -- picked good scripts, was very smart about casting, and had everyone really project and not just wuss about awkwardly. Also, her costumes and sets were great. The year before, Mrs. Friedman's class put on quite an impressive rendition of "The Pied Piper of Hamelin," while I was over in third grade drama hell: "Physical Fitness Is Your Friend," the bastard brother to Harriet the Spy's play where she had to be an onion. But more on that later.

So yeah, although I was extremely intimidated, I hoped to get Mrs. Friedman. And sure enough, I did! She WAS very tough, but man, did I learn in her class. Not just facts, but how to research, write, and things like that -- future skills. AND she did not disappoint with the play! It was called "Father Hits the Jackpot." I got to play Sheila, the 16-year-old daughter -- my first choice!

I don't remember all that much about the play itself, except that: 1) there was an eccentric aunt who carried around an umbrella, 2) I wore the same outfit in the play as I did on my Very First Date, and 3) for the "closing credits," the whole class sat, swayed, and sang to "Pennies from Heaven." OH! And for some reason that I will never understand, Mrs. Friedman let this girl Allison and me take our routine from jazz class and have it be a scene in the play. Awesome!

Needless to say, I found my fourth grade play to be an extremely inspiring experience, and I was truly honored that Mrs. Friedman, a real ballbuster who took her plays VERY seriously, had enough faith in me to let me play a lead. So when fourth grade rolled to a close and we found out that the next year, Mrs. Friedman was moving up to teach fifth grade, all of my dreams of getting Mr. Klages for a teacher were called into question! And seriously, I had wanted Mr. Klages for as long as I could remember. Older men were usually nice to me, and he taught advanced reading, so I knew we'd get along famously.

HOWEVER.

Well, for one thing, I felt really bad for Mrs. Friedman. A lot of Merrick parents were shocked and horrified that their beautiful and perfect children had spent fourth grade being forced to work, and requested that they not be put back with Mrs. Friedman. I didn't want Mrs. Friedman to think that I hadn't appreciated her, because although we didn't share any warm fuzzy moments, I really did, even at that age, realize how important an academic year fourth grade had been for me, thanks to her.

And...the plays! HOW could I turn down the opportunity to be in not one, but two stellar Friedman Productions! I couldn't, was how. So my mother told the school that if I ended up with Mrs. Friedman, it was fine. So I knew I'd get her or Mr. Klages, since all the coddle-needing kids always requested Mrs. Brociner, the third choice.

Fifth grade arrived, and sure enough, I had Mrs. Friedman -- with Mr. Klages as a Special Guest Star, teaching advanced English! YAY! I approached the new grade very excited. After all, this was the year I got to write in pen, and Erasermates� had just hit! Not to mention the fact that I was still with Dick, my boyfriend of four months. Combine all this with the promise of starring in another great play, and I was in seventh heaven!

Well, that all fell to crap pretty quickly. Erasermates were not as great as I'd thought; Dick dumped me -- but more on that later -- and it wasn't long before we learned the terrible, terrible news.

You see, we were to do the play in the spring of 1986, the hundred-year anniversary of the Statue of Liberty. And Chatterton had the awful idea to do some kind of huge production revolving around this fact. So all three fifth-grade classes had to do something together. That meant Mrs. Friedman was not in charge.

Guys, the play was SO BAD. It resembled something you'd see at Epcot. And since everyone had to be involved, it was like, every single moment of the entire process was in the "script." For the most part, the only person with anything to do was Emma Lazarus. Plus, she got to wear a pretty dress. But Marisa got to be Emma Lazarus. And she was right for the part; I couldn't blame anyone for casting her.

I did get cast, too...

..as a foreman.

A FOREMAN!

And not just the foreman...I was Foreman Number 2! Out of three!

It was horrible. Rehearsals are often tedious, but always necessary, and sometimes fun, especially when you care about your role. Or the production. Or anything in life before it's given up on you. This was not such a time. If this had happened in fourth grade, I might have coped a little better. But I had to go from playing a teenager in a tight production to playing an effing foreman in this sprawling mess that I knew no one would want to see. And sure enough, the play was boring and terrible.

That same month that we put on the "play," my parents told me they were sending me to private school in Levittown. This news made me quite unhappy, due in large part to the fact that Dick and I had been spending quality time together again, thanks to the power of Connect Four. Who knows what could have been! Ah, well. After such a traumatic year, things could only get better...

Nah, sixth grade was the most horrible thing ever. And that year, the school play was about a sheep.

But more on that later.


©2006

OMG!

Guys! It's been driving me batty for like, years -- trying to figure out what (not who, mind you) Nick Lachey reminded me of.



And finally, just now, it totally hit me!

A Koosa!

Tiffany's "Hold an Old Friend's Hand": The Review!

The long, hard wait is over! It's time to review Tiffany's second album! I remember liking it more than the first one -- will I still feel the same way? INTRIGUE!


1. All This Time

THEN: This song had everything. EVERYthing! It was sad, dramatic, a ballad...plus, wistful belting! One night, Shannon and I were at a famous Krysi sleepover. We spent the entire night and next day working out an arrangement to singing this. Except Krysi wanted to sing the "One morrrre kissss" verse but she'd get really embarrassed and not sing. I sang the second verse, because, I mean, what 13-year-old girl could resist: "All these tears! And like a light, love disappears. But hearts are good for souvenirs, and memories are forever!" Amazing stuff. THEN to top it all off we met Krysi's and my exboyfriends for rollerskating (as you do), singing the one song the entire way there, of course. God bless Krysi's mother. Patience of a saint. So anyway, I was wearing my BEST college sweatshirt, and skated with this boy during couples only! And though he is the one who'd dumped me, he re-asked me out. I think it was the sweatshirt. Or maybe the stonewashed jeans. But I had to say no, because Tiffany had shown me the light about letting go.

NOW: I can't say that this song holds its own the way that "Could've Been" does, but I still love this song. How could I not? You can't have sleepovers, singing, AND couples only rollerskating memories so linked to a song and not luv it 4eva!

GRADE: B



2. Oh Jackie

THEN:This song pissed me off, because Tiffany totally bit off my line about every song on the radio reminding her of the person -- that was MINE! I totally contributed it to Shannon's sad ballad for Awttis a good eight months before this album came out! Plus this song was nowhere near as good as Shannon's sad ballad for Awttis: "You arrrre much more than a friend to me, oh, and you are much more than I dreamed OF! I loved you, but thanks to me, I let it all slip away! Maybewe'llbeback together someday..." And they were! Now THAT's music!

NOW: Wow, this song is dumb.

GRADE: D



3. Hold An Old Friend's Hand

THEN: I really liked this song. I did actually think the lyrics were pretty trite (I know!), but it's sort of hard not to be trite when it comes to friendship songs.

NOW: It's kind of boring, but there are some genuinely beautiful moments in the song. Really!

GRADE: B-



4. Radio Romance

THEN: I just remember being very pissed that this was the second single from the album, when there were so many better songs to choose from! I did not like this song.

NOW: Okay, despite the fact that this was right after the "Dirty Dancing" phenomenom, and despite the fact that I was a 13-year-old girl, I am realizing that it totally went over my head that this song was supposed to be an homage or whatever to that doowoppy lalala teardrops genre. But that is maybe because the song still sucks. Which is not to say that I wouldn't totally do it at karaoke if they had it.

GRADE: C



5. We're Both Thinking About Her

THEN: No, it's not about a threesome. It's about Tiffany knowing that her man has a wandering eye. And she is totally "running out of time." It's very deep. Tiffany is SO resigned.

NOW: Um, this song doesn't sound like it starts! WTF! It's like, very tentative. I'm confused.

GRADE: C-



6. Walk Away While You Can

THEN: Nothing. I got nothing. I will tell you right now that with the exception of "All This Time," I listened to this album during the summer of 1989 -- The Summer Of The Ghetto Baseball Videogame. It was my brother's, and the closest we got in our family to having a real live videogame! So of course I stole it every chance I got. That was my summer. Playing video baseball, reading Gone With The Wind, and listening to Tiffany. Not to be confused with 1990, the summer that I listened to Christian rock and read about serial killers.

NOW: Wait, what? Oh, yeah. Still isn't ringing a bell. And NOT good at all.

GRADE: F



7. Drop That Bomb

THEN: Wait. Was I also on a summer long bender??? 1989 WAS the summer I was addicted to Diet Coke. I don't remember this either.

NOW: This sounds...like The Jackson 5! What is going on? Am I on a bender NOW?

GRADE: C



8. It's The Lover (Not The Love)

THEN: Ohhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh. I'm not even going to try to front about this song. Absolute, utter love. Gorgeous. Beautiful. Soooooo beautiful.

NOW: Something really extreme would have had to happen to destroy my love for this song. But I do think it's still so great. It slips into triteness here and there, sure, but I actually really love the idea -- about how being heartbroken is about people, but don't give up on love itself. "It's the lover not the love, who deserted you." Awww. And Tiffany does a really pretty job here, vocally. She shows some restraint, and is less nasal than usual.

GRADE: A



9. I'll Be The Girl

THEN: Erm...what?

NOW: Ditto. I don't remember this at all. It's boring though.

GRADE: D-



10. Hearts Never Lie

THEN: Oooookay. THIS, I remember. It's a DUET!!! About love! From the '80s! YAY!

NOW: "'Cause our hearts never lie, they just feel the love! Try so hard to deny, there's no reason to act like we don't carrrrrre, when the truth is always there! Ohhhhh, hearts never lie -- why should we?!"

Can't argue with seamless logic like that. Nor can you (or at least I) deny the amazing power of the '80s Love Duet.

(It's really not that great though, as far as these things go.)

GRADE: B-



11. Overture

THEN: I don't remember this either!

NOW: I'm confused. Have I just been into too many musicals -- doesn't an overture come first? No? Shouldn't this be an UNDERture! HAHAHAH! No, but seriously. This is lovely and all I guess, but it's weird and confusing to me. Like why it's here and all. Was she trying to have musical street cred like Debbie Gibson? Did she even play guitar? That's all this is! Why? WHY!

GRADE: ?


VERDICT: "Tiffany" kicks "Hold An Old Friend's Hand" ass by FAR. What was I thinking back then?


©2006

Weak Conversation

I think I have finally reached my breaking point with the whole talking about what day it is thing. Holy crap! Like office chatter isn't supremely irritating enough, especially if you are given to misanthropic tendencies. But this week is a special case because you see, it was the Fourth of July! How was your Fourth? What did you do for the Fourth? Barbecue this, rain that, I DON'T CARE! Not that I don't care about people, per se, I love the people in my life with a fierceness, and I care about like, mankind, and whathaveyou, but...it's not about the intentions, which are lovely, it's about the "Groundhog's Day" repetition day in and day out. I really don't know how much longer I can take hearing the SAME EXACT things every single week!!!


Monday:
How are you? Yeah, it's Monday. Oh, it's only Monday. The weekend just flew by! It sure did, and now here we are again, back to Monday.


Tuesday:
Well, at least it's not Monday. Tomorrow's Wednesday!


Wednesday:
Wow, it's Wednesday, already? I thought it was Tuesday when I woke up. No, it's already Wednesday. Happy Hump Day!


Thursday:
Can you believe its already Thursday? I know, the week flies by! I thought it was Friday when I woke up. No, it's Thursday. Yay, tomorrow's Friday!


Friday:
TGIF! It's Friday! Can you believe it's Friday? The week sure went fast! Doesn't it feel like it was just Monday? Oh, before you know it, it will be Monday again! HAHAHAHHAHA!


EVERY SINGLE WEEK, this goes on and on, and with absolutely no irony! That's the worst part, I think. Like, it's not FUNNY when people quote "Office Space" regarding cases of the Mondays, but it at least reflects a glimmer of awareness that maybe the person is aware that s/he is a walking parody of office life. But it's like...MUST we? Really? Again? Because weeks like this -- see, we had off Monday and Tuesday for the Fourth. Lovely. Fine. I'm very grateful. But then yesterday our ceiling fell down because of the rain, and so we got sent home at 11 a.m.

Now, I admit -- it's a freakin' weird week! I'm out of sorts, discombobulated, deh deh deh deh deh ™Babz, but come on. All day long, people will not cut it out with:

It feels like Monday!
Well yesterday was Monday, today is Tuesday!
Yesterday SHOULD have been Monday!
Tomorrow's Tuesday!
Hahahhahah!

Guys...get a grip. Today? Is Thursday. Tomorrow? Is Friday. I'm not kidding. Can we please move on to other things?

I'm sorry, I'm just cranky. It must be all this rain. Can you BELIEVE all the rain we've been having? Wow...